Spiritual Summer
A novel by Nori J. Muster
Chapter Ten
The furnished studio apartment was tiny, but within walking distance to campus. Sandy brought a box in from her car and set it on the floor, next to some other boxes. Right now it's a mess, she thought, but soon it will be home. She looked around at the small space, now full of her possessions: clothes, dishes, bedding, stereo, and stuffed animals. It wasn't everything she owned, but it was everything that would fit in her car when she left San Francisco. She stopped unpacking for a moment to draw the curtains. Outside her window was a swimming pool and deck area. All the residents of the building were students; many of them were also moving in that day. She had already met some of her neighbors and the building proved a friendly place to live. She set up her easel in front of the window.
While in San Francisco, Sandy had purchased frames for the photos Prana gave her. She hung the pictures on the wall behind the easel so she could look at them when she painted. She thought about her ten days at home, sharing her experience with her mother and Aunt Trina. Trina knew all about the Ratha-yatra festival, having been to one in Golden Gate Park years before. They enjoyed talking. That was one thing about the women in her family, they could talk for hours. Sandy told them about the signs she painted and the office and Nada Swami, how they bathed his feet in the temple. She talked about Jeff, but didn't let her mother or aunt discourage her or form any negative opinions about him just because he was an ICKW follower. Jeff and her relationship with him were special to her and her mom respected that.
After unpacking, Sandy made the bed and rested for a while. She pictured Jeff's face in her mind and wished he would call. She looked at the phone wondering if she should call him. Thinking of him made her feel restless. She got up and decided to explore the town. School would be starting in a few days and there might not be time to do anything but homework. She went outside. The bright sunshine of the Southern California day seemed to burn away her dull mood. She walked out of the building and let the gate slam shut behind her.
She walked straight down the street, through block after block of apartment buildings. So many students! she thought. She continued walking until she came to a cliff. A path wound down the mountainside to a white beach below. There were people, students, walking on the beach and she decided to go down. She noticed students talking in groups or lying on beach towels in the sun. Others were walking dogs or jogging along the shoreline. Sandy decided to walk and see where the beach led. After a while she noticed that she was chanting softly. It was the first time she had chanted since leaving the temple. It felt right, walking along in the warm sunshine. Following the path the joggers left in the damp sand, she removed her sandals and put them in her purse, letting the water lap around her feet. She looked out over the water. Jeff is a hundred miles down the coast, she thought. I wonder what he's doing.
The beach led to a grassy hillside and the ocean water flowed into a lagoon. At the top of an embankment she saw a building and headed toward it. Then she recognized that it was part of the campus; this building was the commons. Students were coming and going from the building, so Sandy went inside. On the lower level, overlooking the lagoon, was the school cafeteria. She decided to stop for a soda and see what else the cafeteria offered. She sat down with a soda and gazed out the window, still thinking about her summer in Los Angeles.
Even though she had a car, once classes started Sandy found it move efficient to take the bus, or simply walk, than to try to find a parking place on campus. The art department was great and she met many creative people in her classes. She mentioned her summer as an artist at the temple to some of them, but there was so much to do that the subject faded. Sandy loved her apartment for painting and drawing homework, but preferred to do her reading other homework at the school library. Throughout September and most of October she spent her time painting, studying, and swimming in the apartment pool.
Sandy was putting the final touches on her mid-term project for beginning painting, when the phone rang.
"I got your number from directory assistance. You don't mind me calling, do you?"
It was the first time she had heard Jeff's voice in two months. "I wish you had called sooner. I've missed you."
"But you made it sound so final when you left," he said.
"I did?" She tried to remember what she said on the steps that day. His voice sounded grave so she sat down to concentrate on what he had to tell her.
"Something has come up," he said. "Nada Swami could tell that I had material desires. When a brahmacari has material desires there's only one thing to do and that is get married."
Jeff paused a moment but Sandy couldn't make any response.
"Nada Swami told me to put on white. He said I'm not fit for wearing saffron." Jeff paused again. "He picked out a wife for me, a younger girl, you don't know her. Devi."
Sandy recalled the young woman she met at the airport. She felt numb all over as she listened to Jeff's words.
"I couldn't turn him down. He was very forceful about it." Jeff hesitated. "Sandy, I'm sorry."
"Are you married now?"
"No, I'm calling you because they want me to get married."
"You're calling to tell me you're getting married? To someone else?" Sandy looked at the gold ring on her finger and started to cry. "Why did you do this?"
"It's not my decision. Listen to me, Sandy, I didn't know what your reaction would be. I thought things were all over with us, but I just wanted to make sure. I'm not married yet, just betrothed. Sandy?"
"No, no, don't do it, Jeff. I miss you so much."
"I thought you would have another boyfriend by now; that you would have forgotten all about me."
"How can I forget about you? And I don't have anyone else. The guys around here are creepy. And anyway, I've decided to be celibate, like you. I miss you Jeff."
"Oh, my God, then I've made a big mistake."
"You're not married yet?"
"I might as well be. You know how this community is. I'm wearing white and Nada Swami has made a big deal about it. A few of the other guys are betrothed, too. I couldn't show my face around here if I broke it off now."
Sandy looked at the painting on her easel. It looked so joyous, a still life with nasturtium and ivy. When she started the painting she never imagined that things would take this turn.
"Sandy, are you there?"
"I'm here, but what do you want me to say? 'Oh, great! Congratulations! I'm so happy for you!' How old is Devi, anyway? Fifteen?"
Arranged marriages may be okay in Asian cultures, Sandy thought, but for Americans? Besides, getting married isn't supposed to be a punishment for having material desires.
"At first I didn't want to do it at all," Jeff said, "But then I thought maybe, because Nada Swami told me she will make a good wife."
How could he? she wondered. She felt an impulse to hang up.
"Sandy? I can't do it. I don't want to marry her. I wish I could be there with you."
"Come up here, then."
"There's so much pressure on me," Jeff said. "Nada Swami, he found out everything, and he just won't let up. He took me into his office and blasted me. He made it clear that the only way I can please him is to marry this girl and become a good householder. Plus, he's having another marathon and I drive to the airport all day and night. I don't get enough sleep. I feel sick. I don't know how much longer I can keep going."
"Have you talked to your mom?"
"My mother!?" Jeff laughed. "My mother has run off with that man, Vern, the one you met. She's married him! They're even selling her house and she's moving in with him. He's a widower with no kids. He was married, but I think his wife and kids got killed in a plane crash. I think he and my mom are planning to travel or something. She doesn't give a damn about me, just like my father."
"You may think so, but she loves you. You're her son."
"No she doesn't. I have nothing except the temple. I have to stay here. I don't have any other choice. I have to go through with it."
"No you don't. You can stay with me."
"Your parents wouldn't like that. Don't be stupid. You have your studies. I'll work out my own problems."
"Don't do it Jeff."
Jeff didn't answer and the line was quiet for a few moments.
"I have a picture of you," Sandy said. "It's on my wall and I'm looking at it right now. And I still have the ring you gave me."
"You do?"
"I wear it all the time. I think about you every day. When you didn't call I thought, 'he doesn't have my number, anyway--so why would he call?' But I kept thinking that somehow you would call me. I've waited every day for you to call."
"I didn't realize that, Sandy. I wish I could be there with you."
"Come visit. Just sneak out for a day."
"I'll try," Jeff said. "I don't know how, but I'll try."
Sandy felt nervous and sick when she hung up. Jeff sounded so different, so upset. She fixed a cup of tea and sat down at her kitchen table to drink it. She poked at the tea bag with a spoon and felt an urge to drive to Los Angeles to talk to him in person. She pondered the matter and decided to wait. Things were awkward enough for him. Her presence would just complicate matters. He said he would try to visit.
Sandy walked through the campus library looking for a quiet place to read. She picked a soft chair near the window and sat down, setting her notebook, books, coat, and umbrella on the carpet. She read page after page, taking in facts and figures about early Western history. After an hour she felt tired and let the book rest in her lap. She looked out at the falling rain. It's the middle of the day but it's dark, she thought, then nodded off to sleep.
After a minute she got up to stretch and wake herself up. A shiver came over her as she remembered Jeff. Why hadn't he called her back? He sounded sincere on the phone. Did he change his mind? She sat down again. Picking up the book, she tried to read, but could only stare out at the pouring rain. Why didn't he call? She forced herself to stop thinking about it and went back to the book.
After finals it would be Christmas vacation. She contemplated whether to return to San Francisco. Her mother had already indicated that it would be okay if she didn't want to drive home, since it was three hundred miles each way. Besides, Christmastime just meant going somewhere for a vacation, either to a resort or overseas. And it was always a last minute decision. Sandy made a mental note to call her mother soon.
The rain started to let up and Sandy counted how many pages she had read. It seemed like a good time to go. The rain could start again once it was dark. She gathered everything up and walked toward the bus stop. When she got home she looked at the photo of Jeff and felt a chill come over her. Before finals, before deciding whether to go home for Christmas, she had to know what was going on with him. It was something she would rather avoid, but under the circumstances she decided to call the Los Angeles temple. Maybe she could say she was his sister or something.
"ICKW, may I help you?" a woman's voice answered.
"Yes," Sandy said. "I wonder if you could help me. I'm trying to get in touch with a friend of mine who lives there."
"I'll take a message," the woman said.
"It's Jeff Miller, Das Anu Dasa."
"He's gone. He's in the hospital."
"Oh no." Sandy felt another shiver go down her spine. "What hospital? Can you give me the number?"
"It's City Memorial. That's all I know."
"Thanks." Sandy remembered that City Memorial was the hospital just across the street from the temple. She hung up and, after calling information, dialed the hospital. Her fingers slipped on the buttons and she wasn't sure if she dialed the right number.
"City Memorial Hospital, how can I help you?" an operator said.
"My friend is there. Can you help me find him?"
"If you give me his name I can look it up."
"Jeff Miller. He's twenty years old." While she waited, scenes of Jeff passed through her mind. Her heart was still beating fast.
"According to our records he was released to his parents four weeks ago," the woman said.
"Do you have their number?"
"I'm sorry but we can't give out that information."
"Oh, please," Sandy said. "He's my friend. I have to contact him."
"I'm sorry," the woman repeated.
"Can you tell me what happened?"
"No, I'm not allowed to give out that information, either."
Sandy hung up dazed. Maybe she could call information for Jeff's mother's number. No, his mother had been remarried and moved. Sandy thought of looking up Vern's number. But what was his last name? Then she thought of calling the temple back, maybe they would know. She dialed.
"Hi, I just called looking for Jeff Miller," Sandy said. "And the hospital said they released him to his parents. Do you happen to have the number?"
"We don't have it," the woman said.
"Can you at least tell me what happened to him?"
"He totaled the airport van," the woman said. "I don't know what happened to him except they took him to the hospital and he never came back."
"Was he hurt bad?"
"Yeah," the woman said. "I heard it was pretty bad."
"Oh, my God. Okay, thanks." Sandy hung up. She felt a pain in her heart but there was nothing she could do. She sat down and looked out the window for a long time. The rain had stopped but the sky was still dark with threatening clouds. The sun was setting and Sandy decided it would help her to get out and maybe walk to the beach to look at the ocean.
Walking down the street, she noticed lights already on in some of the apartments. She saw some students standing around a car in front of an apartment building. Another party, she thought. With finals coming up? She remembered Jeff's complaint about the party atmosphere of the college town. He had said people weren't serious about school. Now she could see what he meant. Thoughts of Jeff filled her mind; how he said the material world was a dangerous place. Maybe he was right. A car squealed down the street and she heard laughter and shouting. How vulnerable we all are, she thought.
She stopped at the cliff overlooking the beach and studied the sunset. Rays of sunlight were breaking through the clouds, making the water glimmer. She remembered the festival carts and how they looked standing against the backdrop of the same ocean one morning a few months before. Now the sky was growing dark and the clouds were red, violet, yellow, with the sun, now a golden light, glowing just above the water. Soon it would be night. She hummed Krishna songs to herself as she walked, feeling like a little child, defenseless and volatile in a scary world. He totaled his van, she kept thinking over and over. Totaled. She walked home and when she got inside, locked the door. Maybe the world's suffering could be locked out, too. Before getting into bed she took Jeff's picture off the wall and stared at it for a long time. She cried herself to sleep.
