Ten Reasons Not to Hit Your Kids
by Jan Hunt, M.Sc., Director of The Natural Child Project
NaturalChild.org
Ten Reasons
In Norway and Sweden, it is illegal for a parent, teacher, or anyone else to spank a child. In some states and provinces, it is only illegal for a teacher to spank. In all areas of North America, physical punishment by a parent, as long as it is not severe, is still seen by many as necessary discipline, and condoned, or even encouraged.
For the past several years, many psychiatrists, sociological researchers, and parents have recommended that we seriously consider banning the physical punishment of children. The most important reason, according to Dr. Peter Newell, coordinator of the organization End Punishment of Children (EPOCH)1, is that "all people have the right to protection of their physical integrity, and children are people too."2
1. Hitting children teaches them to become hitters themselves. Extensive research data is now available to support a direct correlation between corporal punishment in childhood and aggressive or violent behavior in the teen age and adult years. Virtually all of the most dangerous criminals were regularly threatened and punished in childhood. It is nature's plan that children learn attitudes and behaviors through observation and imitation of their parents' actions, for good or ill. Thus it is the responsibility of parents to set an example of empathy and wisdom.
2. In many cases of so-called "bad behavior," the child is simply responding in the only way he can, given his age and experience, to neglect of basic needs. Among these needs are: proper sleep and nutrition, treatment of hidden allergy, fresh air, exercise, and sufficient freedom to explore the world around him. But his greatest need is for his parents' undivided attention. In these busy times, few children receive sufficient time and attention from their parents, who are often too distracted by their own problems and worries to treat their children with patience and empathy. It is surely wrong and unfair to punish a child for responding in a natural way to having important needs neglected. For this reason, punishment is not only ineffective in the long run, it is also clearly unjust.
3. Punishment distracts the child from learning how to resolve conflict in an effective and humane way. As the educator John Holt wrote, "When we make a child afraid, we stop learning dead in its tracks." A punished child becomes preoccupied with feelings of anger and fantasies of revenge, and is thus deprived of the opportunity to learn more effective methods of solving the problem at hand. Thus, a punished child learns little about how to handle or prevent similar situations in the future.
4. "Spare the rod and spoil the child", though much quoted, is in fact a misinterpretation of Biblical teaching. While the "rod" is mentioned many times in the Bible, it is only in the Book of Proverbs that this word is used in connection with parenting. In fact, King Solomon's harsh methods of discipline led his own son, Rehoboam, to become a tyrannical and oppressive dictator who only narrowly escaped being stoned to death for his cruelty. In the Bible there is no support for harsh discipline outside of Solomon's Proverbs. Jesus saw children as being close to God, and urged love, never punishment.3
5. Punishment interferes with the bond between parent and child, as it is not human nature to feel loving toward someone who hurts us. The true spirit of cooperation which every parent desires can arise only through a strong bond based on mutual feelings of love and respect. Punishment, even when it appears to work, can produce only superficially good behavior based on fear, which can only take place until the child is old enough to resist. In contrast, cooperation based on respect will last permanently, bringing many years of mutual happiness as the child and parent grow older.
6. Many parents never learned in their own childhood that there are positive ways of relating to children. When punishment does not accomplish the desired goals, and if the parent is unaware of alternative methods, punishment can escalate to more frequent and dangerous actions against the child.
7. Anger and frustration which cannot be safely expressed by a child become stored inside; angry teenagers do not fall from the sky. Anger that has been accumulating for many years can come as a shock to parents whose child now feels strong enough to express this rage. Punishment may appear to produce "good behavior" in the early years, but always at a high price, paid by parents and by society as a whole, as the child enters adolescence and early adulthood.
8. Spanking on the buttocks, an erogenous zone in childhood, can create in the child's mind an association between pain and sexual pleasure, and lead to difficulties in adulthood. "Spanking wanted" ads in alternative newspapers attest to the sad consequences of this confusion of pain and pleasure. If a child receives little parental attention except when being punished, this will further merge the concepts of pain and pleasure in the child's mind. A child in this situation will have little self-esteem, believing he deserves nothing better. For more on this topic, see "The Sexual Dangers of Spanking Children." Even relatively moderate spanking can be physically dangerous. Blows to the lower end of the spinal column send shock waves along the length of the spine, and may injure the child. The prevalence of lower back pain among adults in our society may well have its origins in childhood punishment. Some children have become paralyzed through nerve damage from spanking, and some have died after mild paddlings, due to undiagnosed medical complications.
9. Physical punishment gives the dangerous and unfair message that "might makes right," that it is permissible to hurt someone else, provided they are smaller and less powerful than you are. The child then concludes that it is permissible to mistreat younger or smaller children. When he becomes an adult, he can feel little compassion for those less fortunate than he is, and fears those who are more powerful. This will hinder the establishment of meaningful relationships so essential to an emotionally fulfilling life.
10. Because children learn through parental modeling, physical punishment gives the message that hitting is an appropriate way to express feelings and to solve problems. If a child does not observe a parent solving problems in a creative and humane way, it can be difficult for him to learn to do this himself. For this reason, unskilled parenting often continues into the next generation. Gentle instruction, supported by a strong foundation of love and respect, is the only truly effective way to bring about commendable behavior based on strong inner values, instead of superficially "good" behavior based only on fear.
Note: In ISKCON schools in the 1970s and 1980s, the teachers and administrators used violent corporal punishments. One of the most shocking practices was to control children by twisting or pinching their ears. This is a humiliating and violent practice that is extremely painful and emotionally damaging. Other similar practices, like pinching the soft part of children's cuticles can have a similar emotionally damaging effect. Parents who have trouble with perpetrating physical abuse on their children can find help in parent's groups, such as Parents Anonymous.
Footnotes
1. EPOCH Worldwide, 77 Holloway Road, London N78JZ UK
2. Personal communication.
3. End Violence Against the Next Generation (EVAN-G), 977 Keeler Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708, USA.
Healthy Boundaries
1. Think twice before making the world my psychologist. Notice a person's level of interest and choose the right time and place before I begin discussing my personal issues.
2. Learn to let trust develop in a relationship rather than overwhelm another person with things about myself.
3. Be myself in all circumstances, upholding a personal set of values and beliefs.
4. Learn when to say "no" to pressure when people try to take advantage of my enthusiasm and kind nature.
5. Learn to set aside patronizing or pushy attempts to gain my cooperation. Learn to say "no" firmly.
6. Learn to say "no" when someone tries to make decisions for me. I listen to their points, but make up my own mind.
7. Speak out if I want someone to know something going on in me. It's inconsiderate to expect people to read my mind.
8. Ask for what I need, yet leaving aside expectations that others must fulfill my needs automatically.
9. If someone offers a compliment, kindness, or words of support, I can accept with a simple, gracious "thank you."
10. Put my issues and problems aside when I'm on the job or at rest. There is a time to process the world and a time to be in the world.
Cult Survivors Handbook Table of Contents
Preface, Frontmatter This book is written for people who joined high control groups as adults, but people born or raised in such groups may also benefit from reading it. I have also included a note to non-cult family members to help them interpret their loved one's experience.
Family Therapy Dangerous cults function like dysfunctional families, so good counseling in the field of family therapy may help an ex-cult member process the experience. If the root of the problems go back to family of origin issues, family therapy can help.
Abuse Recovery Emotional, physical, and sexual abuse is common in cults. Read this chapter if you suffered abuse in a cult.
Depth Psychology Carl Jung's philosophy can help ex-cult members find meaning in their experiences.
The Twelve Steps If you practiced abuse in the cult, the Twelve Steps can offer you relief from the pain of guilt.
Mind-Body Here are some tips to get out of depression without drugs and learn the messages of your symptoms of disease.
Creative Art Therapy and Gestalt For people who were victimized in a cult, humanist psychology is the best route to recovery.
Eastern Mind Eastern philosophy has benefits; learn to keep the parts you enjoy, while you throw away the garbage the cult may have served with it.
Ten Reasons Not to Hit Your Kids by Jan Hunt, M.Sc., Director of The Natural Child Project
Bibliography and Suggested Reading Read more books about the topics covered in Cult Survivors Handbook.
