Abuse Recovery
Cult leaders easily dupe followers. Usually, their crimes revolve around abuse: emotional, physical and sexual. Cult leaders may also commit financial and criminal abuses. An abusive person may start his own organization, or he may grab power after the death of a charismatic preacher. Abusive people may be put in place after a hostile takeover of a company or government. One common way it can start is when corrupt politicians make political appointments. This section is directed to people who suffered abuse as adults or children under the care of dishonest people.
What is it about abuse that makes it so difficult to recognize and talk about? Guilt, perhaps, since we have all abused or been abused at some time. If we had kids, the odds are that we hit them, since studies show that ninety seven percent of American parents hit their kids. According to Murray Straus, a well-respected researcher in the field of child abuse, ordinary spanking can and should be eliminated to produce healthier children. Spanking is the fall back method of getting the point across, but there are dozens of parent training programs now that teach parents how to set boundaries and manage their children without hitting.
Another reason people overlook abuse is due to limited experience in handling strong emotions. Thanks to Freud, most of us have invested a great deal of energy in covering up pain. We think that we're doing someone a favor by ignoring their pain or hiding our own, but we're really just unable to confront our own feelings. Jung taught that connecting with our personal depths makes us more wholesome people, with more empathy for others.
Often the perpetrator gets away with his crimes because he wears the disguise of an upstanding citizen; for example he may become a prominent member of the church, or a business or civic leader. This is the case in cults, and often in incest families, too. Cult or family members like everything about certain respected elders, so they refuse to listen to charges that victims may raise. Everyone wants to keep the family secrets hidden; as if the problem has gone away. A mother may conspire by refusing to acknowledge an act of abuse against her child. She may try to prove that the perpetrator is a nice man. Conspirators teach victims that their perception of reality is invalid and that what happened to them was acceptable, thinking this will help them forget it. Anyone who claims that abuse can easily be forgotten is a dangerous person who should never be allowed to gain power over others, especially children.
Once in power, anything goes, and the witnesses are afraid to come forward due to strong Freudian taboos against criticizing authority. Cult leaders are often addicts and sociopaths, who have little regard for anyone but themselves. They see people as objects to exploit. They may demand drugs, money, sex and worship from their followers, then harass and expel people who try to stand up to them.
Organizations, families and groups are spread over a spectrum of common characteristics. Groups on the healthy side of the spectrum show respect toward their own members and the outside world, they're fair in their dealings and trustworthy. Unhealthy groups expect submission; they're controlling and dishonest. As the disease progresses, abuse and exploitation develop.
Sexual Abuse in Cults
Abusive sex in a cult carries all the devastation of incest. The dynamics in an unhealthy cult-like organization closely resemble the dynamics in an incest family. Incest means sexual contact between relatives, or people who perceive themselves to be closely related. A special bond of trust exists between a child and the parent figure and when that trust is violated through sexually exploitive acts, that is incest. Incest means any sexual act that is forced on a child, including lack of privacy, exhibitionism or pornography.
The intensity of abuse determines how much damage the victim will suffer. If the abuse happens repeatedly, if the victim is trapped in the situation, if the perpetrator terrorizes the victim, if others ignore or deny the victim's plight, and if the victim blames himself, the effects will be more intense. Incestuous families (and institutions) function under strict rules where the injunction to deny the incest is the strongest and most important rule. Victims may feel overwhelming stress over the sexual abuse and yet submissively idealize the abusers. This helps them preserve the illusion that their childhood is okay. To believe otherwise is to break the family rules and "lose" the idealized family they want to have. A child may act like they enjoy (or don't notice) what the molester is doing to their body, but that is just a survival mechanism. Most child victims mentally dissociate from their bodies to withstand the abuse. They usually hate the people who abuse them and have fantasies of killing the perpetrator(s). Everyone, even adults, fear sexual molestation. Rape is a violent and frightening experience. It is even more so for children, who know nothing of sex and are too young to understand what is happening to them if someone molests them. It is one of the most unfortunate things that can happen to a child. Children look up to adults and see them as the embodiment of all wisdom. This is natural because children are dependent on their parents and would be totally helpless without them. It goes against the ideal family archetype to think that something is wrong with the adults, so children tend to transfer the blame to themselves. Self-blame is a powerful element of the defense system, because children who are raised in abusive groups are trapped between hating the perpetrators and hating themselves. These adults are often their primary caretakers. Some who are raped put up little resistance. In some cases the incestuous sex is the only attention they receive in a loveless environment. Children are naturally attracted to adults and crave their attention. Thus, the victims' own emotional needs set them up to receive the abuse and think it was their own fault.
Another reason victims may keep the secrets is because they are afraid of being ostracized. Perpetrators warn their victims that revealing the secrets will wreck things for everyone else and make them very unpopular. Perpetrators sometimes beat their victims into silence. The perpetrators thus draw their victims into a reality of secrecy, shame, hopelessness and guilt where they feel isolated and vulnerable. The child must cope with a self-image that includes sins most adults are afraid to even talk about. Thus, the most devastating effect of sexual abuse is to make children deal with unfair, complex emotional issues. Abused children grow up with overwhelming emotional problems that include feelings of guilt, self-hatred and mistrust.
Victims of incest take these feelings into their adult lives. Although they are adults, they feel like defenseless children, and continue to behave as if they are helpless and alone. They often hate themselves and see themselves as bad. The guilt causes self-destructive behavior, as they continue to punish themselves for their imagined sins. Lack of self-confidence and self-respect prevent any hope for true happiness. Sooner or later, victims find out they were robbed of their childhood innocence, and it may never be returned. Thus, they experience feelings of extreme grief. They may feel like freaks. Susan Forward and Craig Buck, authors of Betrayal of Innocence, call this state of mind the "Three D's": Dirty, Damaged and Different (p. 23).
Many victims feel estranged from the rest of society, which they tend to idealize. They may think everyone else is happy, successful and deserving. They may become extremely rebellious or destructive, secretly craving acknowledgement for what they experienced. They may become obsessive compulsive, trying to do everything perfectly to atone to the world. Since it's difficult to form trusting relationships, they may go through life alone. The frustration, manifested as hostility, makes it even more difficult to maintain friendships or hold down honest jobs. Often, victims discover drugs and develop addictions to self-medicate their emotional pain.
As a side note, drug addiction is a curable medical and psychological problem. This book describes some of the best ways to treat an addiction. Locking someone in jail for the "crime" of addiction usually just adds to the addict's pain. The person may lose their job, friends and other securities in life, making it even more difficult to get back on their feet. This is what I fear for the young adults who were raised in abusive cults. In the group I belonged to, many adults panhandled or sold drugs, so their children may see these activities as their only options to support themselves as adults.
A note to survivors: It's a hard road back, but remember that reality is what you make it and approximately ninety percent of the people out there in the material world are against child abuse. If you surrender to the process of life, I guarantee you will be happy you did. Just learn to stay away from the cultish, coercive people (that other ten percent).
All incest victims suffer, however silent their suffering, no matter how successfully they seem to function. Usually, childhood incest trauma remains in the back of the mind throughout life. Most often, survivors simply resign themselves to their symptoms. Those who can afford therapy will eventually express their pain and begin to resolve it. The process takes years.
Profile of Child Abusers
Child abusers strive to enter the institutional hierarchy of a cult, because they can hide their crimes more easily if people see them as gurus or preachers. Once in power, they elevate men like themselves into positions of authority; some cult leaders have a large entourage of thugs.
There are many reasons why adult men abuse children. Some perpetrators are fixated pedophiles. This means they became stuck at a certain level of development, usually due to being abused. Thus, they grow older in years but remain emotional children and relate to children for sex. Others are called situational abusers, which means that they abuse during periods of extreme stress, often complicated by alcohol and drug abuse. Perpetrators usually have a history of being beaten and violated as children and act out their feelings by raping defenseless children. Becoming the perpetrator is their way of claiming power, rising out of the victim role. Often they think that what happened to them as children was all right. They may believe that violence is necessary to raise children. Some men were initiated into sex by an older person in their family. They were incest victims, but may believe that a certain amount of incest is normal.
Cult perpetrators may portray themselves as normal people, or even better, as spiritual people. A few perpetrators feel ashamed of what they do, but most are numb to what is wrong with their behavior. The most dangerous child molesters are sociopathic, callously using others as objects to fulfill their demented needs, unable to empathize with the pain of their victims. These men minimize, rationalize and blame everyone but themselves for their criminal acts. Often, they blame the victims for "tempting" them or for behaving so badly that they "deserved it." Psychopathic child molesters can easily lie to try to justify their actions, and in cults, abusive men routinely lie to talk their way out of trouble when parents and others who try to stand up to them.
Cult leaders who rape and beat children wrap themselves in religious garb. They are working members of organizations, purportedly serving the cause in the same way as any other member. In addition, like priests of the Catholic church, many even take vows of celibacy. Although most people instinctively trust "men of the cloth," these men, as a class, have shown they are not intrinsically worthy of trust. These perpetrators may cry, plead for understanding, pretend to acknowledge that what they have done is horrible, and promise to change. In the Catholic church, repentant (but still dangerous) priests are often forgiven and sent to a new parish. In many cases, their superiors have been willing to cover up for them. This has happened numerous times in a variety of groups. The truth is, sex offenders never change their behavior on their own. Nor do they change after a short series of counseling sessions.
Perpetrators desperately need help, yet instead of confronting their problems in a mature way, they choose to continue to act out their conflict. The typical abuser carries deep feelings of inadequacy, usually due to being abused as a child. They compensate for their inferiority by gaining power and control over helpless, dependent people. Rape is less a sexual act for these men, than an act of power, control, degradation, and hostility. Because it was done to them, they instinctively know that they can hurt another most deeply by violating their sexual boundaries. Rape means overpowering another person's free will, forcibly taking away their right to say "no." In addition to power and control, the perpetrator is unconsciously seeking revenge for a variety of emotional crimes that have happened to him.
For many perpetrators, sex and violence are fused. In the group I belonged to, the perpetrators beat and raped the children. Often they focused their sexual attention on one victim at a time, believing that the child enjoyed the molestations, or that at least it would not hurt them very much. When the children of my former group finally filed suit against the organization, one of the plaintiffs explained on television that he was routinely raped by ten or fifteen different men at the school in India. On the same television show (ABC's 20/20), a young woman explained that they used to blindfold her before raping her so "it wouldn't hurt as much."
Physical threats and abuse are the tools that the perpetrator uses to convince himself of his potency. He transfers his own guilt and sense of responsibility onto the victim and feels good about himself. He may even see himself as the victim of evil children. Anything he does to them is justified in his mind. Perpetrators practice intricate patterns of coercive behavior called "grooming" to lure children into sexual situations and keep them quiet. Shifting blame to the victim makes the child feel responsible for the secrets. However, in the matter of incest, the adult is always one hundred percent responsible, no matter how innocent he looks, or how guilty the child feels.
A small percentage of perpetrators respond to therapy. However, the older they are, the less likely it is they will reform. Many perpetrators were scarred and emotionally disfigured as children and grow up character disordered. They may never regain the capacity for genuine empathy or remorse. While these aggressors look like normal citizens, the essential element of conscience will always be missing inside. Some may avoid molesting again if they stay away from children, but most will go on molesting children whenever they have the opportunity. Our society has yet to come to terms with this. Most perpetrators spend little time in jail, if they go to jail at all. Within religious institutions, child molesters are easily forgiven if they continue to function in other useful capacities. They will feel most welcome and undetected in dysfunctional cult groups.
Profile of the Conspirators
The only way child abuse can continue is if it is cloaked in secrecy. Thus, for abuse to continue, the setting must be filled with conspirators who look the other way. Most often in an incestuous family, the mother consciously or unconsciously is in collusion with the perpetrator. She acts as a silent partner to the abuse, saying nothing, and apparently noticing nothing.
There are two stages of conspiring, first, activities leading up to the rape, and second, the silent partner's response when the rape is revealed. The silent partner ignores signs that incest is taking place. In the case of an organization, the conspiracy is often shared among a group of people, often the close circle around an abusive guru. The people who know what's going on hide it, to make the guru look like a respected man who would never do anything like that. If abuse is revealed, conspirators are apathetic. They may forgive the perpetrator, the institution and themselves quite easily, believing that "forgive and forget" will heal everything. Instead of healing, these people actually leave the door open for repeat offending, simply because they remain ignorant and uninvolved. It's simply more comfortable for them to disavow any guilt for things that happened.
The silent partner or conspirator is often passive, dependent, and infantile in relation to authority figures. She may mean well, but feels overwhelmed with her own conflicts and problems. Losing the marriage my seem worse than tolerating abuse. Often, conspirators were abused in childhood and see abuse as an inevitable part of child rearing that they are powerless to control. They suffer from low self-esteem. Tolerating the abuse may simply be a continuation of their own childhood, where they witness the abuse of siblings or others in the family. Preoccupied with their own abuse issues, they maybe genuinely unavailable to help the people under their care. A mother or guardian may subtly communicate that she is helpless, so instead of expecting help, her dependents start to protect her.
The real work of the codependents involves withholding information that would upset the family or organization. Perhaps they think their silence is the best way to preserve the peace. Instead of standing up for children, they stay out of it because they are addicted to pleasing authority figures. The worst thing about codependency is that it allows psychopaths to rise to the top of a system. When dishonest men notice that other people will "act nice" and help them "save face," they see a green light to abuse and get away with it. Ironically, that's just what cult leaders want. Thus, innocent people who try to keep things quiet act in perfect harmony with the dishonest people to perpetuate abuse.
Activities
Make a list of abuses you endured in an organization or family. List the dysfunctional people who perpetrated and covered up the abuse. Write down their names and standing in the community. Write about feelings you've lived with as a result of these people's abuse and neglect. If this exercise makes you feel extreme grief or anxiety, consult your therapist or support network.
Freud's Contributions
At the beginning of the twentieth century, Austrian doctor Sigmund Freud (1856-1939) invented psychoanalysis. As a doctor he studied hypnotism, a common method used to treat psychiatric patients at that time. He began to notice that sometimes patients improved simply from talking about their problems. From this discovery, he formulated his practice of "free association," in which the patient reclines on a couch and attempts to recall significant episodes from childhood, thus recognizing and releasing trapped emotions. Freud sat behind his patients like a priest, listening to confessions and probing patients' dreams for symbolic content. As his career progressed, Freud began to view sexual desire as the source of all neurotic behavior. He projected abundant sexual imagery into his patients' dreams and tried to help them come to terms with their sexual complexes.
Freud's legacy was a fusion of science and religion and he was named as one of the most influential men of the twentieth century. Freud still pervades the lives of Westerners. Historians say only Albert Einstein had a greater impact on the twentieth century mindset.
Where Feud Went Wrong
All through the twentieth century people have somehow justified abusing their children, spouses, parents, neighbors, supermarket clerks, operators, homeless people and strangers. Some say Sigmund Freud is at the root of our predicament. German analyst Alice Miller explains that Freud often discounted his patients' problems, blatantly denying facts that were unsavory. Thus, Freud ushered Victorian morals into the twentieth century. For the last hundred years, with the blessings of Freud, people have continued to live in denial of their problems. This is true for all abuse, including racism, but it's especially true for sexual child abuse and child abuse of all kinds.
Although Freud's patients described episodes of incest while under hypnosis, in that era dominated by the Fourth Commandment ("Honor thy mother and father"), it was impossible for anyone to talk about it. Miller explains:
Most of these refined people were firmly convinced from an early age that only fine, noble, valiant, and edifying deeds (subjects) ought to be talked about publicly and that what they as adults did behind closed doors in their elegant bedrooms very definitely had no place in print. Satisfying sexual desires with children was nothing bad in their eyes as long as silence was preserved, for they were convinced that no harm would be done to the children unless the matter was discussed with them. Therefore, the acts they performed were shrouded in silence, as if children were dolls, for they firmly believed a doll would never know or tell what had been done to it (p. 117).
Therefore, if Freud had tried to expose the damaging effects of childhood sexual abuse, "The indignation would not have been directed against this form of child abuse per se, but against the man who dared to speak about it" (p. 117). Miller concludes, "Since that kind of freedom was totally impossible at the time, perhaps Freud had no choice but to interpret what his patients told him as fantasies and to construct a theory that would spare adults from reproach and would allow him to trace his patients' symptoms back to the repression of their own infantile sexual wishes" (p. 113).
Thus, Freud introduced his "drive theory" and "Oedipus" and "Electra" complexes. Drive theory describes children as untamed animals who must pass through the development stages of their oral, anal and genital drives, during which they experiment with these bodily organs and come to terms with their functions. This takes place from babyhood to pre-adolescence. According to this theory, becoming fixated in one of these stages may cause neurosis in adulthood. The main reason a child may get stuck is due to their frustration in acting out the Oedipus/Electra complex, which states children want to kill one parent and have sex with the other.
These notions remain basic textbook knowledge in the child development classes at most universities, while the secret that child abuse is real and needs to be addressed, is only beginning to be acknowledged. Practically throughout the last century, psychoanalysts have relied upon Freud's theories to interpret their patients' problems and have used them to explain away memories of childhood incest. Freud's theories deny the victim's experience, in favor of preserving the status quo.
Miller asks us to break down the wall of silence (the title of one of her books), when she says, "There are countless other ways children can be mistreated and at the same time deprived of their voice and awareness. But sexual abuse, with its role in the formation of psychic disturbances, needs our special attention because it has been silenced, ignored, or denied for so long" (1983, p. 115). Like all of us, Freud was vulnerable to the moral constraints of the society around him. He had the right idea at first when he started to probe his patients' sexual traumas, but the social taboo was too strong, so he himself had to go into denial to survive.
Throughout the century, Freud has been honored as the father of psychology. But one of the main things he taught (by his example) is that it's okay to block things out and live in denial. Adultery, abuse and corruption thrive when the people involved are afraid to talk.
Cult Survivors Handbook Table of Contents
Preface, Frontmatter This book is written for people who joined high control groups as adults, but people born or raised in such groups may also benefit from reading it. I have also included a note to non-cult family members to help them interpret their loved one's experience.
Family Therapy Dangerous cults function like dysfunctional families, so good counseling in the field of family therapy may help an ex-cult member process the experience. If the root of the problems go back to family of origin issues, family therapy can help.
Abuse Recovery Emotional, physical, and sexual abuse is common in cults. Read this chapter if you suffered abuse in a cult.
Depth Psychology Carl Jung's philosophy can help ex-cult members find meaning in their experiences.
The Twelve Steps If you practiced abuse in the cult, the Twelve Steps can offer you relief from the pain of guilt.
Mind-Body Here are some tips to get out of depression without drugs and learn the messages of your symptoms of disease.
Creative Art Therapy and Gestalt For people who were victimized in a cult, humanist psychology is the best route to recovery.
Eastern Mind Eastern philosophy has benefits; learn to keep the parts you enjoy, while you throw away the garbage the cult may have served with it.
Ten Reasons Not to Hit Your Kids by Jan Hunt, M.Sc., Director of The Natural Child Project
Bibliography and Suggested Reading Read more books about the topics covered in Cult Survivors Handbook.
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