Family Therapy The worst thing about a dysfunctional group is its tendency to perpetrate abuse. Rather than allowing its members to be individuals, the abusive group creates rigid roles. People then try to fit into the roles to be accepted. People who are raised in families like this often join cults because it feels so familiar. Abuse happens in organizations for many of the same reasons that it happens in families. In addition, people who join cults automatically begin to replicate family of origin issues. For these reasons, a family therapist may be an excellent person to listen to a betrayal story. Dysfunctional systems are populated with addicts, codependents and victims. Each type has individual characteristics. Addicts are those who abuse substances (alcohol, drugs, or food); or processes (work, sex, money, gambling, or relationships) to feel whole. They are generally self-centered and uncaring of the emotional abuse they perpetrate in the drive to satisfy their addictions. Addicts tend to make faulty decisions, exhibit personality disorders, and perpetuate dishonesty and abuse. Having an addict in a key position can lead a family or organization to disaster. In the group I belonged to, the leaders were either blatantly addicted to drugs or they exhibited process addictions to money, power and sex. Codependents are those kindly people who try to protect the addicts from suffering the consequences of their addictions. They are addicted to the relationship with the addict and they use the relationship as a drug to suppress their own pain. Codependents generally have low self-esteem and may be addicted too, even if only to pleasing the addict. Some may resent the authority figures they try to please. These people most often become victims too. Although they are attracted to organizations that portray themselves as loving surrogate families, they tend to pick the wrong ones. In my old group, the codependents and victims who made up the membership were constantly covering up for the failings of the leaders. If the codependents quit covering up, the key person's addiction would be exposed. Concealing the problems makes things worse because then the whole organization (or family) becomes obsessed with trying to control the behavior of the addict. The system then functions out of the illusion that they can control the addict and his dysfunctional behavior. This usually ends in disaster and continued abuse. Addicts and addictive organizations, by their very nature, use people and take over people's lives. When we get ready to leave the dysfunctional group or individuate from the dysfunctional family, it's important to let go of all desire to "fix" it. Trying to fix an addict or an addictive system will never work. It simply keeps you tied to something you hate. The best way to differentiate is to work with an outside third party, such as a family therapist. The therapist teachs you new ways of coping, plus helps you resist the guilt and disapproval that the group or family may have used to manipulate you in the past. Besides guilt and manipulation, cults use something called the "Promise" to keep members under their control. In their book, The Addictive Organization, Anne Wilson Schaef and Diane Fassel describe the Promise as the illusion that "directs us eagerly to the future, to some hoped-for reward, while keeping us out of touch with the present." In a commercial organization, the promise may consist of power, profit and growth. In cults, the promise is usually spiritual in nature: liberation, everlasting life with God, heaven on earth. Cults often express extremely ambitious goals. The organization I belonged to told us we would bring about an age of enlightenment, gain political power, establish ISKCON as the one world religion, and ultimately, save the world. The cult organization is rarely able to fulfill its promises because the goals are usually exaggerated to the point of grandiosity. The only advantage of this grandiosity is that it provides gross self-importance for the leaders. The grandiosity of the mission is a con that reassures members they are doing important work. No matter how poorly the organization performs, everything will be all right as long as the leaders can convince followers that the mission is on track. People are being conned because it's the promise of the mission that is exploited to cover up for shortcomings in the organization. If an organization becomes increasingly self-centered and immoral, its goals have been distorted. The organization develops ulterior motives, or unstated goals. The loftier the stated goals, the more likely the leaders are pursuing covert goals. Usually the unstated goals revolve around narcissistic activities like sex, drugs, and the pursuit of money and power. When there is evidence of the discrepancies between the stated and unstated goals, addicts and codependents enter a state of denial. Denial makes us lose touch with our own sense of morality and spirituality. In Alcoholics Anonymous it is called "moral deterioration." Cults often have individuals or teams of individuals who go around encouraging other members to refuse to acknowledge what is really happening. Making others believe a denial-ridden assessment is an example of dishonesty. Denial and dishonesty are central to the way cults function. Once these traits are accepted as the norm, members believe that the organization would not survive if it were honest. Therefore, members willingly protect the secrets. Dishonesty is the result of perfectionism. The illusion that everything is perfect can only be maintained if conflicting information is suppressed. Thus, cult leaders become obsessed with denial and dishonesty, even in matters that are inconsequential, since they want everything to appear perfect. For example, my "guru" in ISKCON could fly into a rage over the tiniest printing error in one of the cult's books. Members of perfectionist organizations understandably experience anxiety and pressure. However, they easily lose touch with what they feel because there is no place for expressing feelings. They must appear perfect to fit in. One of the main features of a dysfunctional family or group is its faulty communication processes. Instead of direct and honest communication, information travels in the form of gossip and secrets. Cults do not permit "straight talk," honesty or directness. Crisis is another characteristic of a cult environment. When the system is confused, deceptive, and unable to deal with situations in a straightforward manner, every problem is allowed to continue to the point of crisis. A crack in the dam is not a crisis until the water breaks through. Codependents are adept at dealing with crises, since they grew up with it. They may make it their purpose in life to take care of an addict's responsibilities, which the addict allows to go to the point of crisis. Another aspect of cult thinking is projection. This is the process of denying something that is inside and seeing it outside. Cults typically accuse the rest of the world of being dishonest, sinful or degraded. Cult members may blame others for their problems, being unwilling to look at themselves. Dualism, another aspect of cultish systems, causes members to think in terms of "us and them." This isolates members making all outsiders enemies. It serves the purpose of the cult leaders, because it simplifies all decisions. Everything is black or white, with no room for shades of gray. Doing what's right for the group is all you need to know. Along with projection and dualism comes judgmentalism. This involves making a judgment that something is bad, simply because one disagrees with it. People outside the group are not just different, they are judged bad and inferior. Judgmentalism also goes on within the group, because cliques of members may have built internal walls between themselves and other factions of the same cult. All these dysfunctional processes -- the promise, the con, denial, dishonesty, perfectionism, confused communication processes, crisis, projection, dualism and judgmentalism -- allow horrible abuses to continue. The History of Family Therapy Family counseling started in the middle of the twentieth century, within several distinct schools. The most popular is "system," or "systemic" therapy, because the counselor identifies the family as a system. Rather than dwell on individuals' psychological histories as Freud did in psychoanalysis, system therapy accepts problems as a natural part of life, seeking only to help people meet the challenges they face. The modern family therapist is like a mechanic who looks under the hood of a car to identify what is malfunctioning and to fix it. It's a blending of sociology and psychotherapy because it treats the individual in the greater context of society. A good family therapist may help the ex-cult member reframe key incidents. For example, instead of feeling humiliated about abuse suffered in the group, the therapist will help the client see the bigger picture. Also, there may have been some positive experiences, which the therapist may help the client reclaim from the ordeal. Often, the scapegoats (people who leave the group in disgrace) are plagued with guilt until they realize that they may choose to put away the family script and write their own life story. A family therapist will help an ex-cult member discover the role they played for the cult and then break those habits, which were probably first learned in the family of origin. At the outset of systemic counseling, the therapist identifies the dysfunction and helps the person or people state their problems and a vision of how they would function if the problems were resolved. For example, a family may have conflict over housekeeping chores. The therapist will help them work toward a solution. Once new rules and ways of doing things are established, therapy ends. The therapist never looks at the psychoanalytic history of the family. Sometimes this is called "brief therapy" because goals may be reached within a matter of only a few sessions. If a new set of problems arise later, the family may choose to come back for another series of sessions. The average length of therapy is six months. Family therapists study the predictable problems that accompany each stage of life. For example, there are inevitable conflicts and challenges that arise at the stages when children are born, when they enter adolescence, and when they finally leave home. The therapist is also trained to identify the needs of various forms of families, such as single-parent families, blended families and extended families. Modern family therapy is also effective in helping families deal with special issues, such as juvenile delinquency, abuse, alcoholism, psychological disorders and other special needs. They are qualified to help families torn apart by cult involvement. If your family agrees, it may help you resolve things if you go to a family therapist together. Family therapy is extremely helpful for learning how to build sensible boundaries. It's best to get completely away from the cult, if possible. However, if you have loved ones who are still involved, it might be wrong to abandon them. Sometimes ex-members may stay around on the fringes just to see what's going on. In my case, I studied the organization until the late 1990s. Bowinian Therapy Murray Bowen was the father of the school of family therapy that helps people individuate, or become psychologically "unstuck" from the family of origin. In this process the client learns to maintain their individuality and separate identity, while continuing to interact with family as and adult. Bowen promoted the concept of repeated patterns in family life cycles and family trees. It's comforting to have common threads running through our lives. Everyone has these threads but may take them for granted. Amid the chaos and change of life, families may identify with certain towns or an area of the world, a certain kind of geography, a family line, religion, or heritage. The people in the family and the family friends and extended family may denote our life's stages; mirrors to observe how we change through the years. Tradition and roots bring a sense of belonging. A good tool to look at inherited family patterns is the genogram. The family counselor draws a chart similar to a family tree and asks the family members to fill in the details for three or more generations. With this information, the therapist begins to see intergenerational patterns that contribute to family problems. History repeats itself, especially within the same family. Often, these patterns are unconscious until a qualified counselor exposes them. It's possible that someone way back in your family history joined a cult or in some way isolated themselves from the rest of family, and that it's a trait passed down to you from the family dysfunction. Some people who joined groups burned all bridges with their family and friends, only to find out too late that they needed those people. Learning about your roots could be a healing experience. If working on your ex-cult issues has helped strengthen your family of origin ties, then exploring the family roots may be extremely helpful. This might especially help ex-cult members who previously abandoned their families. You might look up records of your ancestors, interview your living relatives, travel to towns where your ancestors lived. Everyone else in the family will be glad you did. However, if the family connection is a painful one, such as in the case of incest and other child abuse survivors, then grow new roots. Families of one's own choosing can be even more nurturing than families by marriage and genes. It's good to have a little of both. Ritual and Tradition Traditions that surround holidays, birthdays, other rights of passage. You are fortunate if you have traditions that you love. If your life has been interrupted or chaotic, finding new rituals and traditions may add continuity to life. Celebrate with the people in your home, or if you are alone, develop a circle of supportive friends. If you have children, establish traditions that they can pass on to their children. Your traditions may include cooking good food, making artwork, singing, lighting candles, or whatever you and your children make up. Other suggestions to enrich your life: studying a subject that is significant to you, doing creative work you've always wanted to do, becoming involved in a project that will make a difference in an area you care about, or changing some aspect of your cognitive habits or lifestyle that you've always wished to improve. One of the problems in groups that Bowen found, which also exists in cults, is "triangulation." This is a communication problem where conflicted family members use each other to act out their conflicts. They try to win others over to their point of view, in order to feel more powerful. A typical example in a family is when fighting parents try to divide their children's loyalties or use the children as spies or go-betweens in their quarrels. In an organization like the one I belonged to, gurus built up large numbers of followers to gain clout in the organization. Family dramas can be all pervading and extremely subtle. However, the patterns are apparent to the trained eye of the therapist. To look for a family therapist, contact the Mental Research Institute (555 Middlefield Rd., Palo Alto, CA 94301 (650) 321 3055, fax (650) 321-3785 mri@mri.org). An excellent way to get started on your own is to buy Sacred Legacies: Healing Your Past and Creating a Positive Future, by Denise Linn. This is a powerful workbook full of activities that put these ideas into practice. Cult Survivors Handbook Table of Contents Preface, Frontmatter This book is written for people who joined high control groups as adults, but people born or raised in such groups may also benefit from reading it. I have also included a note to non-cult family members to help them interpret their loved one's experience. Family Therapy Dangerous cults function like dysfunctional families, so good counseling in the field of family therapy may help an ex-cult member process the experience. If the root of the problems go back to family of origin issues, family therapy can help. Abuse Recovery Emotional, physical, and sexual abuse is common in cults. Read this chapter if you suffered abuse in a cult. Depth Psychology Carl Jung's philosophy can help ex-cult members find meaning in their experiences. The Twelve Steps If you practiced abuse in the cult, the Twelve Steps can offer you relief from the pain of guilt. Mind-Body Here are some tips to get out of depression without drugs and learn the messages of your symptoms of disease. Creative Art Therapy and Gestalt For people who were victimized in a cult, humanist psychology is the best route to recovery. Eastern Mind Eastern philosophy has benefits; learn to keep the parts you enjoy, while you throw away the garbage the cult may have served with it. Ten Reasons Not to Hit Your Kids by Jan Hunt, M.Sc., Director of The Natural Child Project Bibliography and Suggested Reading Read more books about the topics covered in Cult Survivors Handbook. next