Power Number III:
Cooperation
Be Who You Are
Healthy Boundaries for Positive Thinking
The Importance of Mentors
Dale Carnegie on Effective Relationships
Relationship Politics
Nice Not Necessarily Positive
Dishonest People Do Not Achieve Real Success
Leadership in a Dysfunctional Organization
Dynamics of a Functioning, Flourishing System
The Negatives of Positive Thinking
Review
This section 3,522 words (approx. 14 pages)
Be Who You Are
Love and relationships are a big part of positive thinking. Napoleon Hill praised the emotion of love, calling it the saving grace of this world. There are many varieties of love, which all add meaning to life and give it a higher purpose. It would be difficult to think positive if you felt completely alone. In addition, you need the cooperation of other people to succeed in nearly anything you try to do. Instead of demanding cooperation like a dictator, positive thinking teaches you how to become a leader that people want to follow. It is good advice for any sphere: business, family, community, and even international diplomacy. Positive thinking offers a vision of world peace that begins with interpersonal relationships.
Positive thinking founder Maxwell Maltz stressed the importance of mixing with all sorts of people, even if you make a fool of yourself occasionally. Albert Ellis, David J. Schwartz, and many others said the same thing. Life offers numerous opportunities to meet people. When you are traveling or in any social situation, think a positive thought and talk to a new person. Learn to read body language, because you can tell when someone is open to a good conversation. There is no harm in trying. If you attend a seminar or workshop, raise your hand and participate. Sharing yourself is positive and makes you a better person.
When you can be yourself in any situation, it is called self-confidence or poise. Developing poise helps you get rid of old negative attitudes and bad habits. The key to feeling comfortable in any situation is to be yourself. There is no satisfaction in trying to blend in or conform to other people's expectations. In The Strangest Secret, Earl Nightingale said, "Conformity is the main thing holding people back. When we try to act like everyone else, it consigns us to mediocrity."
Being yourself requires healthy boundaries. Some boundaries are common sense, but it takes a conscious effort to build a full set of boundaries. Here are some good ones to work on.
Healthy Boundaries for Positive Thinking
Learn to say "no" when you need to.
Never let people take advantage of you. Use your intuition to know when someone is trying to cheat you.
Do not let other people make your decisions or force you into uncomfortable situations.
Know your limitations. Do not try to give more than you can give emotionally or physically.
Follow a code of ethics in every area of your life.
Tell people what you want them to know. Do not expect them to find out through the grapevine or ESP.
Consider people's level of interest and ability to help you before you discuss your personal issues.
Let relationships change over time without forcing your expectations. Allow trust and intimacy to develop naturally.
Accept emotional support from others without feeling indebted.
Ask for support when you need it, but do not expect people to drop what they are doing to help you immediately.
Put aside your personal problems when you are at work. Maintain a professional attitude when you are paid to do a job.
Learn to listen to others without needing to change their beliefs.
The Importance of Mentors
If we learn from history, including recent history, we do not need to reverse engineer every problem in the world. There are people who have come before, who offer guidance in every field of work. A mentor can impart tremendous psychic powers. If you follow in the footsteps of a great person, you may even feel that person inspiring you as you rise to accept an award or receive a compliment. A mentor can give you the ideas and energy you need, as though a current of electricity connects you to that figure.
Napoleon Hill wrote about the value of mentors in his book, Think and Grow Rich. His primary mentor was Andrew Carnegie, but he also knew the famous inventors, business leaders, and presidents of his day. He said a mentor could be someone you know or someone you can only learn about through history. Hill used autosuggestion to visualize himself talking with great figures like Abraham Lincoln and Napoleon Bonaparte. He said those conversations sustained him during the early part of his career.
There are advantages to learning from a great person, but there are also pitfalls. First, there is a tendency to put people on a pedestal. It is an irrational premise for a relationship because you establish yourself as less valuable. If you idolize someone, then it is impossible to equal that person. Instead of putting yourself one-down, whenever you think about your value in relation to someone you admire, tell yourself that you are both equally important.
When you look to role models, remember that they are only human beings. However successful and perfect they may seem, they all have flaws. Celebrities, sports stars, and all types of mentors regularly disappoint their admirers due to mistakes in their personal conduct. Therefore, take advice from a mentor as it relates to your questions, but do not expect that person to have all the answers in every area of life.
Also, bear in mind that some people who appear to be role models turn out to be complete and utter frauds. Instead of letting them make you feel disillusioned, study their careers to learn where they went wrong. Fallen mentors may offer vivid lessons on what not to do.
Dale Carnegie on Effective Relationships
How to Win Friends and Influence People, by Dale Carnegie (1888-1955), was the most influential book on positive thinking for relationships. Carnegie was a distant cousin of Andrew Carnegie and he taught at Carnegie Institute of New York. His book came out about the same time as Think and Grow Rich and reached approximately the same audience of American businessmen. Carnegie sought to reverse the dehumanization of workers that came with the Industrial Age, so he taught business people the value of kindness and compassion. His book describes thirty principles of effective leadership and many of the principles have filtered into the collective consciousness to become common knowledge. Even the title of his book has become a common figure of speech.
Carnegie taught business leaders that they had to earn cooperation, rather than demand it. He told them to treat their employees with dignity. For example, accusing an employee of being wrong was condescending and unproductive. There are other ways to teach people how to do things. He suggested that a good approach would be to tell your employee how you used to make the same mistakes, but then learned the right way to do a thing. Carnegie warned against starting arguments in business dealings, because both parties end up angry and even more convinced of their own opinions. Carnegie's advice was to try to see that the other person might be right or at least partly right.
The most widely known Carnegie teaching is that people will find you interesting if you let them talk about themselves. This is just common sense, but Carnegie was the first to point it out as a law of success. He also said that you could win people over if you start out with a few words of appreciation. However, he said that interest and appreciation must be genuine, not patronizing flattery. Carnegie did not portray his methods as cheap tricks to manipulate people. Rather, he presented a liberal way of thinking: inspire people because you care about them.
The dollar is no longer on the gold standard, but the positive thinking of relationships is still based on the material Dale Carnegie introduced.
Relationship Politics
Imagine that your relationships are like a bank account. When you do something for somebody, it is like making a deposit. If you build up a good bank account, it means you have earned people's respect. You have a reserve of energy to call on if necessary. The opposite is also true. Following this analogy, if you make too many withdrawals, you can drain your emotional bank account and turn people against you. You withdraw emotional energy when you behave disrespectfully, or unethically, or when you ask for more than you give in return. People who have healthy emotional bank accounts will have more flexibility in their relationships and life in general.
Strained relationships result in what we euphemistically call "politics." The behavior may rise to the level of emotional abuse, but calling it politics makes it sound more acceptable. When people have made too many withdrawals from each other in a system, they are prone to fight over petty things. Conflict is considered normal, so people form subgroups to war with one another for survival. Some people cower, while others become aggressive, even hostile. In a politically charged atmosphere, people must be on guard at all times to protect themselves.
Bankrupt emotional systems may develop in companies, families, religions, governments, or any group. Effective leaders may be able to get to the root of the problems and restore a healthy environment. However, if the leaders are inept, lazy, or dishonest, then the problems will likely continue until the system breaks down.
If you are stuck in a job where the politics are hopelessly thick, try talking it over with your superiors. If they will not do anything to help, then you have to think about leaving. Try to get a new job before you quit so you can be sure you are getting into a better situation. Meanwhile, try to look at your situation as an opportunity to learn tolerance. When you are at work, avoid gossip, and set healthy boundaries so you can concentrate.
Nice Not Necessarily Positive
A major misconception about positive thinking is that to be positive, you have to be nice all the time. While it is a good ideal, it's irrational to think that you can always be nice. Even if you could, it would not make things positive. Life offers trying situations where being nice is simply an ineffective strategy. It might even be inappropriate. For example, if someone is aggressive, you must protect yourself. Do not worry about whether you are nice or not. If you are nice to aggressors, they may take it as an excuse to abuse you even more.
It may be difficult to detect when you are in real danger in a social situation. Therefore, sharpen your senses so you are aware of the subtleties of the world around you. We tend to be too forgiving, too apt to see the emperor's new clothes. We are willing to overlook fatal flaws because we want everything to be okay. This can happen with a boss, politician, priest, relative, someone you meet on the dating scene, or anywhere.
Positive thinking gives you the self-confidence to notice when you are in a dangerous situation facing an abuser. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the American Psychiatric Association (DSM-IV) outlines a whole spectrum of diagnosable disorders. You need to keep your antennae up. Psychopaths can be the most amusing and charming people in the world. Most people would never guess that they had a problem. Only their victims know what they are really like.
When you encounter abusive people, do not cover up for them or help them save face. If someone's behavior causes problems, acknowledge it and step back. You will just drag yourself down if you do things to enable an abuser's destructive folly to go on.
Dishonest People Do Not Achieve Real Success
It may look as though dishonest people get away with everything. They look happy, they may even win awards and recognition. However, dishonest people know that they cannot share the whole story behind their victories because any honest person would lose respect for them if the truth came out. Real success includes peace of mind, the trust and admiration of colleagues, and satisfaction in work well done. People who get their success through dishonest means must do something to numb out their conscience, which can lead to addictions and other unhealthy behaviors.
The law of positive thinking is that whatever you think about tends to manifest. When you choose to act dishonestly, you invite dishonest things to happen to you. You exit the high road and go off on a low road that will ultimately lead to a dark place. At first, you may think you got away with everything, but the dishonest acts do not go away. You worry that people will find out, so you may spend hours contemplating ways to cover up. As the guilt builds, the burden on your conscience becomes heavier. The main road begins to seem like a far distant memory. People who go too far off may imagine that they are saviors chosen by God or they may plunge into depression because they see the whole world starting to unravel.
You can choose your action, but when you do, you also choose the consequences. Consequences are built into the original action. Stephen R. Covey, author of Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, said, "When we pick up one end of the stick, we pick up the other." If you decide to do something dishonest, the other end of the stick is that you may be caught and punished. Maybe not, but there is always the possibility. Sometimes tales of betrayal unravel over decades rather than months. A dishonest person's secrets may remain hidden until they die, but even after death the truth can still come out and tarnish the person's reputation. Most notorious liars recognize this, or start to recognize it as they gain perspective. They may block out the voice of their conscience, but they cannot extinguish it.
A lie is not a mistake. If someone accidentally makes a mistake in judgment, it is forgivable. Dale Carnegie said simply admit what you did and take the consequences. If you are honest about your mistakes, you will gain the respect of others. Everyone makes mistakes. Mistakes usually do not hurt anybody that much, but cover-ups lead to chaos. Innocent people get the blame and whole systems may go out of balance.
In order to avoid the appearance of a cover-up, good leaders must ensure transparent operations. If you are in a position of leadership, let your people in on company issues so they will know why you made the decisions you did. Withholding information creates a credibility problem.
Leadership in Dysfunctional Organizations
It is the leadership's responsibility to protect a company's integrity. If the founder believed in a good product for a good price with good customer service, then the leaders are obligated to live up to that. When integrity breaks down people say things like, "That was then and this is now." Over time, a company may replace its original mission with covert goals such as "Anything to get money."
Running a company with no integrity is a difficult job. You must spin a party line and exert control to make people believe it. There is always the possibility that somebody will see through the hypocrisy and become a whistle blower. Dysfunctional leaders create enemies that they must constantly worry about and try to control.
If you accept a leadership position in a compromised situation, beware. It is possible to bring a system around, but the natural tendency is to be swept downstream. Instead of a hero, you may become the next scapegoat.
Dynamics of a Functioning, Flourishing System
In a functional system, people work together to make plans and execute them. Communication systems work, people do what they say they'll do, and management rewards employees who contribute to their success. This may seem like a fairy tale, but talk to people who work in a system like this. They are healthier, happier, and sleep better at night. It is possible for anyone to fit into a healthy system, but how to get there? One way is to love yourself into a good position. Believe you are worthy, go into interviews with confidence. If you have a job that is not ideal, do it to the best of your ability, with the best possible attitude. Your resume and references are your most valuable tools for future advancement.
For those who work in the management of a functional system, remember that the greatest tool in a leader's repertoire is plain old-fashioned brainstorming. Thinking of solutions in a concentrated group session is a democratic process where everyone's ideas have value. People with strong egos must hold back and listen, while shy people must speak up. When the balance of energy is right, the brainstorming session takes off. A good session may restore trust, solve problems, and get a system moving again. Whole new visions may take birth.
The main requirement is that it is done fairly, so everyone is encouraged to speak. The fairer the process is the better the chances that a company's integrity can be rescued. Everyone who helps create a new vision feels invested in it and will work hard to make it a reality.
Brainstorming is also a good management tool in times when there are no politics to overcome. Napoleon Hill said there was something magical about brainstorming. He called it the "Master Mind," because he said when two or more people agree to look for a solution together, they invoke a higher intelligence. The ideas that come out of the Master Mind are often greater than the sum of the parts that go into it. It is as though the ideas come from a higher source, channeled through the participants.
The Negatives of Positive Thinking
The worst possible misuse of positive thinking is to make it a tool of brainwashing. In destructive cults, the leaders may use a watered down version of positive thinking. For example, if followers try to point out problems in the group, the leaders might tell them that their words are "negative" and that they must "think positive." Don't question, don't think rational. Similar brainwashing goes on in many areas of mainstream life. Companies may withhold information or try to convince their employees to ignore glaring contradictions. Brainwashing may go on in families, where family secrets are covered up. Advertising is another good example of covert brainwashing: if everybody else likes this product, you should too. Ads may convince you that something is wrong with you that the product will fix.
Brainwashing in this sense means distorting the truth to suit one's own narcissistic agenda. One form of brainwashing is to cover up abuse or grief. This can hurt and it is not positive. For example, if your neighbors' house burns down, do not tell them to "think positive." Maybe it would make you feel better if their pain went away immediately, but you cannot rush it. It is extremely negative to interrupt the grieving process, excuse a perpetrator, or silence a victim.
It is vital that people understand the whole philosophy of positive thinking. Enforced happiness is a form of repression. Society would take on Orwellian overtones if everyone had to measure up to a standard of optimism no matter how bad things got. Life is not always happy and carefree. It is not like those old black and white TV sitcoms Leave it to Beaver and Ozzie and Harriet. In those shows, everybody was nice and nobody faced any real problems. All dilemmas were solved with a neat and tidy ending. The characters never had to deal with issues like divorce, poverty, discrimination, or death. The real world is not like that and positive thinking is not a smiley face superficial way of relating to the world.
It takes serious work to face life's challenges. Ignoring pain and problems in the name of optimism is not rational and does not represent the true philosophy. Rather, positive thinking gives you the ability to face problems. You must work through the issues hidden in your shadows. Jung said, "The foundation of all mental illness is the unwillingness to experience legitimate suffering." If you go through a period suffering, you may need to unravel all the painful memories before you can learn to live with them.
Real positive thinking is never forced or phony. You retain your right to make all decisions based on your own common sense. No boss, preacher, author, or peer group can tell you how to think. You are the only person who knows what's positive for you. There are times when you must put a name to a problem and look straight at it to get to what's positive.
Review
Love and good relationships are essential to positive thinking.
Positive thinking allows you to be yourself and develop fulfilling relationships.
Healthy boundaries and learning to speak up for yourself are part of positive thinking.
Mentors are important, but beware of idolizing any human being because it puts you in a one-down position and sets you up for disappointment.
Dale Carnegie, author of How to Win Friends and Influence People, was an important positive thinking teacher who advocated humane relationships in the business world.
When interpersonal relations are bankrupt, politics may develop. Good leaders can fix the problems and restore a healthy environment.
Dishonest people cannot attain real success because they must lie to themselves and others.
Honest leadership is essential to maintain a functioning system.
Effective leaders share power through egalitarian processes like brainstorming, where everyone has a say.
The worst abuse of positive thinking is to use it as a tool of manipulation.
Positive thinking is a deep and demanding practice. It is never supposed to be forced or phony.
Go to the workbook section to practice cooperation thinking - click here.
Go to Part Four, "Solve Collective Problems" - click here
