(circulated on the internet - read these & think)
These Bush jokes go back in time, with newest jokes at the top. Older jokes are transferred to the archive. If a search engine or a link brought you to this page and you don't see the jokes you're looking for, go to the Bush joke index at our archive: click here.
The Veterans of Foreign Wars protect themselves from Bush, 22 Aug. 2005
Subject: Today's levity
Date: Tue, 17 May 2005 12:13:57 -0700
VATICAN CITY - In a turn of events that stunned Vatican officials, U.S. President George W. Bush has been named to succeed Pope John Paul II as the next leader of the Catholic Church. For the first time in history, the College of Cardinals employed electronic voting machines to select the next Supreme Pontiff. Bush won by a margin of 2,528 votes, despite the fact that only 115 Cardinals took part in the process.
The machines, which were last used in the 2004 Ohio presidential election, also registered minus 27 votes for Democratic candidate John Kerry. "It's a miracle!" cried Kenneth Blackwell, spokesperson for voting machine manufacturer Diebold Corporation. "God has spoken." Supporters of Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, whom early exit polls had leading by a comfortable margin in the voting, demanded a recount. But Blackwell said the voting machines, which had been modified to emit a plume of white smoke when a plurality was reached, are unable to produce a paper audit trail, rendering a recount impossible.
When informed of his victory, President Bush expressed surprise. "I was not aware I was running for the popecy," he said. "I wish people would tell me these things." However, he added that he would be "honored and privileged to serve as Supreme Pontoon for the rest of my natural life, or until I die, whichever comes first."
Hit Tom Delay with a hammer at this web site: HammerTheHammer.com! It is really fun - try it!
Subject: Prayer
Date: Wed, 27 Apr 2005 17:00:07 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: From The Washington Spectator:
Bush is my shepherd, I shall dwell in want.
He maketh logs to be cut down in national forests.
He leadeth trucks into the still wilderness.
He restoreth my fears.
He leadeth me in the paths of international disgrace for his ego's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of pollution and war, I will find no exit, for he art in office.
Thy tax cuts for the rich and thy media control, they discomfort me.
Thou preparest an agenda of deception in the presence of thy religion.
Thou annointest my head with foreign oil.
My health insurance runneth out.
Surely megalomania and false patriotism shall follow me all the days of thy term.
And my jobless child shall dwell in my basement forever.
Click on this photo! (originally posted at http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/images/blbushmonica.htm)
Last week saw both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union Address in America (the big bully with the gun over the pond?) Confused Uropeans should understand that one involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a creature of little intelligence for prognostication and the other involves this furry little animal thingy.
Subject: Working in the dark after all
Date: Fri, 28 Jan 2005 15:51:16 -0800
Q: How many Bush Administration officials does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A : None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; its conditions are improving every day. Any reports of its lack of incandescence are a delusional spin from the liberal media. That light bulb has served honorably, and anything you say undermines the lighting effect. Why do you hate freedom?
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on the clock will move." "Oh" said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hand have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible" said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life." "Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man. "Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.
(go to original)
Subject: Canada refuses asylum to Bush dodgers
Date: Wed, 1 Dec 2004 12:30:38 -0700
The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The re-election of President Bush is prompting the exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and agree with Bill O'Reilly. Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night.
"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. "He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," hesaid. "The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't give milk."
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border,pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves. "A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a drop of drinking water. They did have anice little Napa Valley cabernet, though."
When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about the Bush administration establishing re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR.
In the days since the election, liberals have turned to sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers on Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney hits to prove they were alive in the '50s. If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age," an official said. Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies.
"I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?"
In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada, Vice President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the administration would take steps to reassure liberals, a source close to Cheney said. "We're going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we might put some endangered species on postage stamps. The president is determined to reach out," he said. If all other efforts fail, Canadian officials say they may be forced give the new liberal immigrants green cards and put them to work busing dishes in upscale Canadian restaurants or teaching English in Quebec.
This is not a joke, but an item from StarTribune.com of Minneapolis St. Paul. go to original.
What do Abe Lincoln and John Kerry have in common?
December 13, 2004
As the Electoral College meets today, here's something to ponder: The states carried by Democrat John Kerry in 2004 were almost the same as those carried in 1860 by Abraham Lincoln, the first Republican president. The 2004 election practically completes the parties' swap of their geographical bases. And while President Bush won the popular vote this time, it was the smallest margin of victory of any president winning a second term.
No Bush Video Archive
Voting by county: http://www.cscs.umich.edu/~crshalizi/election/
MonsterSlash.org
Subject: The United States of Canada
Date: Fri, 5 Nov 2004 01:45:59 -0500
Hi Nori,
The blue states have been invited to seceed from Jesusland and join Canada.
http://idisk.mac.com/glwebb-public/new_map.jpg
Test your skills and try to give W. a brain
Surrealist found out from confidential sources that Bush is a robot. This is how they recharge him. He has always had a box on his back. Photo is from Aug. 2002, Crawford. For more info., go to BushWired.blogspot.com To see more photos of the box on Bush's back at the debates and other places, go to: Bush Bulge Photo Album
Subject: Bush & Kittens
Date: Fri, 15 Oct 2004 17:06:31 -0700
George Bush, taking a stroll with a senior member of Congress meets a little girl carrying a small basket with a blanket over it. Curious, he says to the girl; "What's in the basket?". She replies; "New baby kittens" and opens the basket to show him." How nice" said Bush. "What kind are they?". The little girl says, "Republicans". Bush smiles, pats the little girl on the head and continues on.
Three weeks later again taking a stroll, he sees the little girl again with the same basket. Bush says; "Watch this, it's very cute". They approach the little girl. Bush asks how the kittens are and she says fine. He then says, "What kind of kittens are they?" She replies, "Democrats." Somewhat abashed, Bush says, "Three weeks ago you said they were Republicans!" "I know," she says." But now their eyes are open."
Mad Magazine's ad: Bush vs. Lord Jesus Christ - click here
index of Bush jokes at this site
