(circulated on the internet - read these & think)
These Bush jokes go back in time, with newest jokes at the top. Older jokes are transferred to the archive. If a search engine or a link brought you to this page and you don't see the jokes you're looking for, go to the Bush joke index at our archive: click here.
1) Go to www.Google.com
2) Type in weapons of mass destruction - (DON'T hit return)
3) Hit the "I'm feeling lucky" button, NOT the "Google search"
4) Read the "error message" carefully. The WHOLE page. Someone at Google has a sense of humor.
These Weapons of Mass Destruction cannot be displayed
The weapons you are looking for are currently unavailable. The country might be experiencing technical difficulties, or you may need to adjust your weapons inspectors mandate.
Please try the following:
Click the Regime change button, or try again later.
If you are George Bush and typed the country's name in the address bar, make sure that it is spelled correctly. (IRAQ).
To check your weapons inspector settings, click the UN menu, and then click Weapons Inspector Options. On the Security Council tab, click Consensus. The settings should match those provided by your government or NATO.
If the Security Council has enabled it, The United States of America can examine your country and automatically discover Weapons of Mass Destruction.
If you would like to use the CIA to try and discover them, click Detect weapons
Some countries require 128 thousand troops to liberate them. Click the Panic menu and then click About US foreign policy to determine what regime they will install.
If you are an Old European Country trying to protect your interests, make sure your options are left wide open as long as possible. Click the Tools menu, and then click on League of Nations. On the Advanced tab, scroll to the Head in the Sand section and check settings for your exports to Iraq.
Click the Bomb button if you are Donald Rumsfeld.
Cannot find weapons or CIA Error
Iraqi Explorer
Bush went to Iraq to look for Weapons of Mass Destruction and all he found was this lousy T-shirt.
Put the word "failure" in the Google search engine. You get the official biography of George W. Bush at the White House web site.
Subject: Bush Bumperstickers
Date: Tue, 23 Mar 2004 20:21:26 -0800
the bush campaign's bumper sticker slogans . . .
1. Bush/Cheney '04: Four More Wars!
2. BU_ _SH_ _!
3. Bush/Cheney '04: Because the truth just isn't good enough.
4. Bush/Cheney '04: Compassionate Colonialism
5. Bush/Cheney '04: Deja-voodoo all over again!
6. Bush/Cheney '04: Leave no billionaire behind
7. Bush/Cheney '04: Less CIA -- More CYA
8. Bush/Cheney '04: Lies and videotape but no sex!
9. Bush/Cheney '04: Making the world a better place, one country at a
time.
10. Bush/Cheney '04: Putting the "con" in conservatism
11. Bush/Cheney '04: Thanks for not paying attention.
12. Bush/Cheney '04: This time, elect us!
13. Bush/Cheney: Asses of Evil
14. Don't think. Vote Bush!
15. George W. Bush: A brainwave away from the presidency
16. George W. Bush: It takes a village idiot
17. George W. Bush: The buck stops Over There
18. Vote Bush in '04: Because dictatorship is easier
19. Vote Bush in '04: It's a no-brainer!
20. Vote for Bush & You Get Dick!
G.W. Bush Resume
EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE:
LAW ENFORCEMENT:
I was arrested in Kennebunkport, Maine, in 1976 for driving under the influence of alcohol. I pled guilty, paid a fine, and had my driver's license suspended for 30 days. My Texas driving record has been "lost" and is not available.
MILITARY:
I joined the Texas Air National Guard and went AWOL. I refused to take a drug test or answer any questions about my drug use. By joining the Texas Air National Guard, I was able to avoid combat duty in Vietnam.
COLLEGE:
I graduated from Yale University with a low C average. I was a cheerleader.
PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:
I ran for U.S. Congress and lost. I began my career in the oil business in Midland, Texas, in 1975. I bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas. The company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock. I bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using taxpayer money. With the help of my father and our right-wing friends in the oil industry (including Enron CEO Ken Lay), I was elected governor of Texas.
ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS GOVERNOR OF TEXAS:
I changed Texas pollution laws to favor power and oil companies, making Texas the most polluted state in the Union. During my tenure, Houston replaced Los Angeles as the most smog-ridden city in America. I cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas treasury to the tune of billions in borrowed money. I set the record for the most executions by any governor in American history. With the help of my brother, the governor of Florida, and my father's appointments to the Supreme Court, I became President after losing by over 500,000 votes.
ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT:
I am the first President in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal record. I invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing cost of over one billion dollars per week. I spent the U.S. surplus and effectively bankrupted the U.S. Treasury. I shattered the record for the largest annual deficit in U.S. history. I set an economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period. I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period. I set the all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of the U.S. stock market. In my first year in office, over 2 million Americans lost their jobs and that trend continues every month. I'm proud that the members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in U.S. history. My "poorest millionaire," Condoleeza Rice, has a Chevron oil tanker named after her. I set the record for most campaign fund-raising trips by a U.S. President. I am the all-time U.S. and world record-holder for receiving the most corporate campaign donations. My largest lifetime campaign contributor, and one of my best friends, Kenneth Lay, presided over the largest corporate bankruptcy fraud in U.S. History, Enron. My political party used Enron private jets and corporate attorneys to assure my success with the U.S. Supreme Court during my election decision. I have protected my friends at Enron and Halliburton against investigation or prosecution. More time and money was spent investigating the Monica Lewinsky affair than has been spent investigating one of the biggest corporate rip-offs in history. I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S. history and refused to intervene when corruption involving the oil industry was revealed. I presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history. I changed the U.S. policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts. I appointed more convicted criminals to administration than any President in U.S. history. I created the Ministry of Homeland Security, the largest bureaucracy in the history of the United States government. I've broken more international treaties than any President in U.S. history. I am the first President in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the Human Rights Commission. I withdrew the U.S. from the World Court of Law. I refused to allow inspectors access to U.S. "prisoners of war" detainees and thereby have refused to abide by the Geneva Convention. I am the first President in history to refuse United Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 U.S. election). I set the record for fewest number of press conferences of any President since the advent of television. I set the all-time record for most days on vacation in any one-year period. After taking off the entire month of August, I presided over the worst security failure in U.S. history. I garnered the most sympathy for the U.S. after the World Trade Center attacks and less than a year later made the U.S. the most hated country in the world, the largest failure of diplomacy in world history. I have set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously protest me in public venues (15 million people), shattering the record for protest against any person in the history of mankind. I am the first President in U.S. history to order an unprovoked, pre-emptive attack and the military occupation of a sovereign nation. I did so against the will of the United Nations, the majority of U.S. citizens, and the world community. I have cut health care benefits for war veterans and support a cut in duty benefits for active duty troops and their families -- in war time. In my State of the Union Address, I lied about our reasons for attacking Iraq, then blamed the lies on our British friends. I am the first President in history to have a majority of Europeans (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and security. I am supporting development of a nuclear "Tactical Bunker Buster," a WMD. I have so far failed to fulfill my pledge to bring Osama Bin Laden to justice.
RECORDS AND REFERENCES:
All records of my tenure as governor of Texas are now in my father's library, sealed and unavailable for public view. All records of SEC investigations into my insider trading and my bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view. All records or minutes from meetings that I, or my Vice-President, attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review.
PLEASE CONSIDER MY EXPERIENCE WHEN VOTING IN 2004.
Artistic Sign Language: Symbols of the Coming Bush Fall, by Bernard Weiner.
12 Feb. 03
Question: "What proof do you have that Iraq has Weapons of Mass Destruction?"
Colin Powell: "We kept the receipts."
11 Feb. 03
Saddam Enrages Bush With Full Compliance
WASHINGTON, DC - President Bush expressed frustration and anger Monday over a U.N. report stating that Iraqi president Saddam Hussein is now fully complying with weapons inspections. "Enough is enough," a determined Bush told reporters. "We are not fooled by Saddam's devious attempts to sway world opinion by doing everything the U.N. asked him to do. We will not be intimidated into backing down and, if we have any say in the matter, neither will Saddam." Bush added that any further Iraqi attempt to meet the demands of the U.N. or U.S. will be regarded as "an act of war."
Breaking News
07 Feb. 03
Iraq has intercepted a phone call between George Bush and Colin Powell. A partial transcript follows:
Powell: Mr. President?
Bush: Yeah.
Powell: I have to talk to you.
Bush: Yeah.
Powell: We intercepted a conversation on the telephone, sir.
Bush: A wuzzat?
Powell: The telephone.
Bush: What's a telephone?
Powell: My god, sir, you're talking on the telephone right now, sir.
Bush: Yeah . . . who is this?
Powell: (groan)
(- Conan O'Brien Show)
13 Feb. 03
If You're Happy And You Know It Bomb Iraq
by John Robbins
If you cannot find Osama, bomb Iraq.
If the markets are a drama, bomb Iraq.
If the terrorists are frisky,
Pakistan is looking shifty,
North Korea is too risky,
Bomb Iraq.
If we have no allies with us, bomb Iraq.
If we think that someone's dissed us, bomb Iraq.
So to hell with the inspections,
Let's look tough for the elections,
Close your mind and take directions,
Bomb Iraq.
It's pre-emptive non-aggression, bomb Iraq.
To prevent this mass destruction, bomb Iraq.
They've got weapons we can't see,
And that's all the proof we need,
If they're not there,
they must be there,
Bomb Iraq.
If you never were elected, bomb Iraq.
If your mood is quite dejected, bomb Iraq.
If you think Saddam's gone mad,
With the weapons that he had,
And he tried to kill your dad,
Bomb Iraq.
If corporate fraud is growin', bomb Iraq.
If your ties to it are showin', bomb Iraq.
If your politics are sleazy,
And hiding that ain't easy,
And your manhood's getting queasy,
Bomb Iraq.
Fall in line and follow orders, bomb Iraq.
For our might knows not our borders, bomb Iraq.
Disagree? We'll call it treason,
Let's make war not love this season,
Even if we have no reason,
Bomb Iraq.
How the U.S. will pay for the war. (click on thumbnail to see larger image)
Could be coming soon. (click on thumbnail to see larger image)
"Frodo Has Failed" spoof
For the record, Frodo succeeds in the end.
"I cannot believe how incredibly stupid you are. I mean rock-hard stupid. Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid. Stupid so stupid that it goes way beyond the stupid we know into a whole different dimension of stupid. You are trans-stupid stupid. Meta-stupid. Stupid collapsed on itself so far that even the neutrons have collapsed. Singularity stupid. Blazing hot mid-day sun on Mercury stupid. You emit more stupid in one second than our entire galaxy emits in a year. Quasar stupid. Perhaps this is some primordial fragment from the original big bang of stupid. Some pure essence of a stupid so uncontaminated by anything else as to be beyond the laws of physics that we know."
Even though we don't know who wrote this, here are a few examples of what they might have been talking about. Read William Pitt's editorial: The Pure Essence of Stupid
Playwright Jim Sherman wrote this update of an old Abbott and Costello routine today after Hu Jintao was named chief of the Communist Party in China.
HU'S ON FIRST
By James Sherman
(We now take you to the Oval Office with President Bush and Condoleezza Rice)
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?
Bush's nose follows the money
"I have been thinking that I would make a proposition to my Republican friends ...that if they will stop telling lies about the Democrats, we will stop telling the truth about them." -- Adlai Stevenson
Separated at birth?
George Bush with the Pope, July 2001
Dancing Bush
06 July 02
"A British doctor says 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks.'
A German doctor says, 'That's nothing, we can take a lung out of one person put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks.'
A Russian doctor says, 'In my country medicine is so advanced we can take half a heart out of one person put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'
An American doctor, not to be outdone, says, 'You guys are way behind, we just took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House now half the country is looking for work, and the other half is preparing for war."
(Cash, Relationships Help Explain Bush Administration's Hands-Off Policy in California Electricity Crisis; to download the article as a PDF ReportGotJuice Feb12.PDF)
Two versions of this story:
G. W. Bush, Tony Blair and a couple of other people are having a dinner at White House. Bush and Blair are talking and talking until on of the other guests is asking G.W. Bush: "What are you talking about?"
Bush: "We are planning World War III".
The guest: "So what exactly are you planning?"
Bush: "We're going to kill about 40 Million Muslims an one dentist."
The guest: "Why are you killing a dentist?"
Bush to Tony Blair: "See what I said? Nobody will be asking for the muslims."
sent around the Internet approx. 31 Jan. 2
President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar.
A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?"
The barman says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WW III."
And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one bicycle repairman."
The guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman? Why kill a bicycle repairman?"
Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, smart ass?! I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"
summer 2000
An announcement from PG&E:
In an effort to help out in the current energy crisis, the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off until further notice. Thank you for your cooperation and understanding.
A Worthy Charity
Dear kindhearted friends...
Now that the holiday season has passed, please look into your heart to help those in need.
Enron executives in our very own country are living at or just below the seven-figure salary level. And, as if that weren't bad enough, they will be deprived of it as a result of the bankruptcy and current SEC investigation.
But now, you can help! For only $20,835 a month, about $694.50 a day (that's less than the cost of a large screen projection TV) you can help an Enron executive remain economically viable during his time of need. This contribution by no means solves the problem, as it barely covers their per diem, ...but it's a start!
Almost $700 may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to an Enron exec it could mean the difference between a vacation spent sucking ass in DC, golfing in Florida or a Mediterranean cruise. For you, seven hundred dollars is nothing more than rent, a car note or mortgage payments. But to an Enron exec $700 will almost replace his per diem.
Your commitment of less than $700 a day will enable an Enron exec to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio.
HOW WILL I KNOW I'M HELPING?
Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the exec you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate,and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home.
You'll also get information on how he plans to invest his golden parachute. Imagine the joy as you watch your executive's portfolio double or triple! Plus upon signing up for this program, you will receive a photo of the exec (unsigned -- for a signed photo, please include an additional $50.00). Put the photo on your refrigerator to remind you of other peoples' suffering.
HOW WILL HE KNOW I'M HELPING?
Your Enron exec will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the exec won't know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator just in case additional funds are needed for unexpected expenses.
YES, I WANT TO HELP!
I would like to sponsor an Enron executive. My preference is checked below:
[ ] Mid-level Manager
[ ] Director
[ ] Vice President (Higher cost; please specify which department)
[ ] President (Even higher cost; please specify which department)
[ ] CEO (Contribution: Average Enron janitor monthly salary x 700)
[ ] Entire Company
[ ] I'll sponsor an Exec most in need. Please select one for me.
*It's just that easy ? do it now!* Please charge the account listed below ___________ per day and send me a picture of the Enron executive I have sponsored, along with my very own Enron "Keep America Strong" Sponsor an Enron Exec: Ask Me How!" t-shirt to wear proudly.
Your Name: _______________________
Telephone Number:_______________________
Account Number: _______________________ Exp.Date:_______
[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ] Discover
Signature: _______________________
Mail completed form to "The Invisible Hand" or call 1-900-2MUCH now to enroll by phone.Note: Sponsors are not permitted to contact the executive they have sponsored, either in person or by other means including, but not limited to, telephone calls, letters, e-mail, or third parties.
Keep in mind that the executive you have sponsored will be much too busy enjoying his free time, thanks to your generous donations.
Contributions are not tax-deductible.
30 April 2001
President Bush and Dick Cheney walk into a diner for a meal. The waitress asks them what they want. Cheney says he'll have roast beef. Turning to the president, the waitress asks, "And what would you like?"
Bush says, "I'll have a quickie."
The waitress gets flustered and turns beet red. Finally, she stammers, "I've never been so insulted. I thought sexist comments were a thing of the past!" Then she stalks off.
Bush says, "Did I say something wrong?"
Cheney replies, "Mr. President, the word is pronounced quiche."
Subject: Take the War-on-Iraq IQ Test
Circulated on the Internet 17 Feb 2003
Do you know enough to justify going to war with Iraq?
1. Q: What percentage of the world's population does the U.S. have?
A: 6%
2. Q: What percentage of the world's wealth does the U.S. have?
A: 50%
3. Q: Which country has the largest oil reserves?
A: Saudi Arabia
4. Q: Which country has the second largest oil reserves?
A: Iraq
5. Q: How much is spent on military budgets a year worldwide?
A: $900+ billion
6. Q: How much of this is spent by the U.S.?
A: 50%
7. Q: What percent of US military spending would ensure the essentials of life to everyone in the world, according the UN?
A: 10% (that's about$40 billion, the amount of funding initially requested to fund our retaliatory attack on Afghanistan).
8. Q: How many people have died in wars since World War II?
A: 86 million
9. Q: How long has Iraq had chemical and biological weapons?
A: Since the early 1980's.
10. Q: Did Iraq develop these chemical & biological weapons on their own?
A: No, the materials and technology were supplied by the US government, along with Britain and private corporations.
11. Q: Did the US government condemn the Iraqi use of gas warfare against Iran?
A: No
12. Q: How many people did Saddam Hussein kill using gas in the Kurdish town of Halabja in 1988?
A: 5,000
13. Q: How many western countries condemned this action at the time?
A: 0
14. Q: How many gallons of agent Orange did America use in Vietnam?
A: 17million.
15. Q: Are there any proven links between Iraq and September 11th terrorist attack?
A: No
16. Q: What is the estimated number of civilian casualties in the Gulf War?
A: 35,000
17. Q: How many casualties did the Iraqi military inflict on the western forces during the Gulf War ?
A: 0
18. Q: How many retreating Iraqi soldiers were buried alive by U.S. tanks with ploughs mounted on the front?
A: 6,000
19. Q: How many tons of depleted uranium were left in Iraq and Kuwait after the Gulf War?
A: 40 tons
20. Q: What according to the UN was the increase in cancer rates in Iraq between 1991 and 1994?
A: 700%
21. Q: How much of Iraq's military capacity did America claim it had destroyed in 1991?
A: 80%
22. Q: Is there any proof that Iraq plans to use its weapons for anything other than deterrence and self defense?
A: No
23. Q: Does Iraq present more of a threat to world peace now than 10 years ago?
A: No
24. Q: How many civilian deaths has the Pentagon predicted in the event of an attack on Iraq in 2002/3?
A: 10,000
25. Q: What percentage of these will be children?
A:Over 50%
26. Q: How many years has the U.S. engaged in air strikes on Iraq?
A: 11 years
27. Q: Were the U.S and the UK at war with Iraq between December 1998 and September 1999?
A: No
28. Q: How many pounds of explosives were dropped on Iraq between December 1998 and September 1999?
A: 20 million
29. Q: How many years ago was UN Resolution 661 introduced, imposing strict sanctions on Iraq's imports and exports?
A: 12 years
30. Q: What was the child death rate in Iraq in 1989 (per 1,000 births)?
A: 38
31. Q: What was the estimated child death rate in Iraq in 1999 (per 1,000 births)?
A: 131 (that's an increase of 345%)
32. Q: How many Iraqis are estimated to have died by October 1999 as a result of UN sanctions?
A: 1.5 million
33. Q: How many Iraqi children are estimated to have died due to sanctions since 1997?
A: 750,000
34. Q: Did Saddam order the inspectors out of Iraq?
A: No
35. Q: How many inspections were there in November and December 1998?
A: 300
36. Q: How many of these inspections had problems?
A: 5
37. Q: Were the weapons inspectors allowed entry to the Ba'ath Party HQ?
A: Yes
38. Q: Who said that by December 1998, "Iraq had in fact, been disarmed to a level unprecedented in modern history."
A: Scott Ritter, UNSCOM chief.
39. Q: In 1998 how much of Iraq's post 1991 capacity to develop weapons of mass destruction did the UN weapons inspectors claim to have discovered and dismantled?
A: 90%
40. Q: Is Iraq willing to allow the weapons inspectors back in ?
A: Yes
41. Q: How many UN resolutions did Israel violate by 1992?
A: Over 65
42. Q: How many UN resolutions on Israel did America veto between 1972 and 1990?
A: 30+
44. Q: How many countries are known to have nuclear weapons?
A: 8
45. Q: How many nuclear warheads has Iraq got?
A: 0
46. Q: How many nuclear warheads has US got?
A: Over 10,000
47. Q: Which is the only country to use nuclear weapons?
A: The US
48. Q: How many nuclear warheads does Israel have?
A: Over 400
50. Q: Who said, "Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about
things that matter"?
A: Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr
index of Bush jokes at this site
