(circulated on the internet - read these & think)
These Bush jokes go back in time, with newest jokes at the top. Older jokes are transferred to the archive. If a search engine or a link brought you to this page and you don't see the jokes you're looking for, go to the Bush joke index at our archive (bottom of page): click here.
From the REAGAN DIARIES: this entry is dated May 17, 1986.
"A moment I've been dreading. George brought his ne're-do-well son around this morning and asked me to find the kid a job. Not the political one who lives in Florida; the one who hangs around here all the time looking shiftless. This so-called kid is already almost 40 and has never had a real job. Maybe I'll call Kinsley over at The New Republic and see if they'll hire him as a contributing editor or something. That looks like easy work."
Subject: why we can't find bin laden
Date: September 29, 2007
Subject: Flood Disaster in Texas
Date: July 21, 2007 11:52:15 AM MST
Dateline: Crawford, Texas
A tragic flood this morning destroyed the entire personal library of George W. Bush. The flood began in the presidential bathroom where the books were kept. Both books have been lost. A presidential spokesperson said that the President was devastated, as he had almost finished coloring the second one.
The White House tried to call FEMA, but there was no answer.
Sent: Wed, 18 Jul 2007 3:02 pm
Subject: Bush Outsourced
APRIL 1, 2007: Washington, DC (AP) -- Congress today announced that the office of President of the United States of America will be outsourced to India as of July 1, 2007. The move is being made in order to save the President's $500,000 yearly salary, and also a record $521 Billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead the office has incurred during the last 5 years. "We believe this is a wise financial move. The cost savings are huge. " stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA). "We cannot remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay." Reynolds noted.
Mr. Bush was informed by e-mail this morning of his termination. Preparations for the job move have been underway for some time.
Gurvinder Singh of Indus Tele services, Mumbai , India will assume the office of President as of July 1, 2007. Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month but with no health coverage or other benefits.
It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference between the US and India, he will be working primarily at night, when few offices of the US Government will be open. "Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the Dell Computer call center," stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. "I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President." A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not be a problem as President Bush was not familiar with the issues either.
Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issue at all. "We know these scripting tools work," stated the spokesperson. "President Bush has used them successfully for years."
Bush will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of employment. Following a two week waiting period, he will be eligible for $140 a week unemployment for 13 weeks. Unfortunately he will not be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit. Mr. Bush has been provided the outplacement services of Manpower, Inc. to help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition. According to Manpower, Mr. Bush may have difficulties in securing a new position due to limited practical or successful work experience. A Greeter position at Wal-Mart was suggested due to Bush's extensive experience shaking hands, as well as his special smile.
Click here for poster
It can happen HERE! Someone could do to us what we did to Afghanistan!
Unless we kill them all first!
Also, a photo of Bush as a pirate.
Separated at Birth? khalid sheikh mohammed and Ron Jeremy; Osama bin Laden and Michael Chertoff click here.
DeckOfBush.com "THE DECK OF BUSH"TM - 54 Reasons to IMPEACH the Un-Elected Fraud
Not to be confused with OTHER Bush cards. This deck has more stacked against the un-elected fraud than any other!
Meet the F#&*!s - Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, & Rice.
Editor's Note: This one is more spooky than funny, but here it is on the Bush joke page for your general reference.
In a recent study conducted by Dr. James Lagerfeld, (recognized as one of America's leading forensic voice analysis experts), Dr. Lagerfeld's finding suggest that there is no discernible difference between Charles Manson's and George W. Bush's voices. "On paper, they are the same person speaking", Dr. Lagerfeld said in his conclusion.
Listen here:
http://blogfiles.wfmu.org/SW/GWB_and_Charlie_-_Just_A_Conversation.mp3
Click here to learn about Bush's Native American name "Walking Eagle."
Click here to see "The Power of Make Up"
Click here to see election 2004 joke posters.
Find out who the assholes are. If you go to Google and enter the keyword "asshole," then click "I'm feeling lucky," You get this site: FilmstripInternational.com
Click here for a transcript of Steven Colbert's April 29, 2006 address at the White House Correspondents' Dinner.
'So if I understand you correctly, Jesus, I nuke Iran and then invade North Korea? Or do I nuke North Korea and then invade Iran? And do I do this after we spread the bird flu at anti-war protests and quarantine all the commies?'
What you need to believe to be a Republican:
1. Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.
2. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.
3. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
4. The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.
5. A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
6. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.
7. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.
8. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.
9. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing health care to all Americans is socialism. HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.
10. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
11. A president lying about an extramarital affair is a impeachable offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.
12. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
13. The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.
14. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.
15. Supporting "Executive Privilege" for every Republican ever born, who will be born or who might be born (in perpetuity).
16. What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.
17. Support for hunters who shoot their friends and blame them for wearing orange vests similar to those worn by the quail.
Subject: Worse than Bird Flu and SARS combined
The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of Sexually Transmitted Disease. The disease is contracted through dangerous and high-risk behavior. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim and pronounced "gonna re-elect him."
Many victims contracted it in 2004, after having been screwed for the previous four years. Cognitive characteristics of individuals infected include: anti-social personality disorders, delusions of grandeur with messianic overtones, extreme cognitive dissonance, inability to incorporate new information, pronounced xenophobia and paranoia, inability to accept responsibility for own actions, cowardice masked by misplaced bravado, uncontrolled facial smirking, ignorance of geography and history, tendencies towards evangelical theocracy, categorical all-or-nothing behavior.
Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at how this destructive disease originated only a few years ago from a bush found in Texas.
TOP CHENEY JOKES
(even though what happened to Whittington is NOT funny at all!!)
1. I tawt I taw a Democrat!
2. This makes Harry Whittington the first person shot by a sitting veep since Alexander Hamilton. Hamilton, of course, was shot in a duel with Arron Burr over issues of honor, integrity and political maneuvering. Whittington? Mistaken for a bird. - John Stewart
3. Guns don't shoot people. The Vice President shoots people!
4. Since whole sale Social Security reform failed, Cheney is taking a retail approach - National Review
5. All kidding aside, and in fairness to Dick Cheney, every five years he has to shed innocent blood or he violates his deal with the devil - Jimmy Kimmel
6. Dick Cheney was just living up to his favorite motto when he wounded Harry Whittington: shoot first, spin later.
7. It's taken him 40 years, but Cheney finally saw some action.
8. You can understand why this lawyer fellow let his guard down, because if you're out hunting with a politician, you think, "If I'm going to get it, it's going to be in the back - Craig Ferguson
9. Dick Cheney's post-shooting "To Do" list: Practice snarling in the mirror; meet John Edwards to go hunting without any press releases or photographers; keep brainwashing W. so I can continue to run the country. - HumorGazette.com
DAVID LETTERMAN
-But the real question now is: Is this a one time thing, or will the vice president try to kill again?
-Good news, good news today...so far, Dick Cheney has not shot anybody.
-Good news, ladies and gentlemen, we have finally located weapons of mass destruction... It's Dick Cheney!
-We can't get bin Laden, but we nailed a 78-year old attorney.
JAY LENO
-When the ambulance got there, out of force of habit they put Cheney on the stretcher -I think Cheney is starting to lose it. After he shot the guy, he screamed, 'Anyone else want to call domestic wire tapping illegal?" Jay Leno mentions that while most major media have not reported this, Mr. Cheney tortured him for an hour before shooting him.
Dick Chaneys latest gun-toting experience didnt escape Rivers and his performing team. Dick Cheney's Got a Gun" is a rendition of Aerosmith's Janie's Got a Gun. The new song features co-host Spike O'Neill on vocals and is available as a free downloadable mp3 at (BobRivers.com).
DICK CHENEY'S GOT A GUN
DICK CHENEYS GOT A GUN
THE SAFETY'S COME UNDONE
HE'S SQUINTIN IN THE TEXAS SUN
WHAT DID OUR LEADER DO?
WHO'D HE PUT A BULLET THROUGH?
THEY SAY WHEN CHENEY GOES TO TEXAS
YOU'LL FIND HIM HUNTIN FISH AND GAME
HIS BUDDY HAD IT COMIN
CUZ WHEN CHENEYS GOT A GUN
HE 'S JUST NOT THAT GOOD AT TAKIN AIM
CHENEY'S GOT A GUN
DICK CHENEY'S SHOT SOMEONE
CINDY SHEEHAN BETTER RUN
BETTER WATCH HER LIBERAL BUNS
TELL HIM THAT THE WAR'S NOT THROUGH
HE'LL PROBABLY PUT A HOLE IN YOU
HE TRACKED A LITTLE BITTY BIRDY
HOPIN TO BLOW OUT ITS BRAINS
THEY SAY THE SPELL THAT HE GET'S UNDER
FROM DOUBLE BARRELL THUNDER
MAKES HIS EYES POP OUT LIKE HE'S INSANE
RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY FROM THE VICE PRESIDENT
RUN AWAY RUN AWAY RUN FROM DICK CHE-EE AY-EE NEE
DICK CHENEY'S GOT A GUN
CINDY SHEEHAN BETTER RUN
HE A WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION
W is a Saint
President George W. Bush was scheduled to visit the Methodist Church outside Washington as part of his campaign. Karl Rove made a visit to the Bishop and said to him, "We've been getting a lot of bad publicity among Methodists because of Bush's position on stem cell research and the like. We'd gladly make a contribution to the church of $100,000 if during your sermon you'd say the President is a saint."
The Bishop thinks it over for a few moments and says, "The Church is in desperate need of funds and I will agree to do it."
Bush pompously shows up looking especially smug and as the sermon progresses the Bishop begins his homily:
"George Bush is petty, a self-absorbed hypocrite and a nitwit. He is a liar, a cheat, and a low-intelligence weasel. He has lied about his military record and had the gall to put himself in a jet plane landing on a carrier posing before a banner stating 'Mission Accomplished.' He invaded a country for oil and money, and is using it to lie to the American people. He is the worst example of a Methodist I've ever personally known. But compared to Dick Cheney and the rest of his cabinet, George Bush is a saint."
Bush Free Fall - 1
Bush Free Fall - 2
Movie about the lies of Iraq.
Osama's message to President Bush
After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama Bin Laden is still alive", Osama decided to personally send President Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was "still in the game".
Mr. Bush opened the letter, which contained a single line of "coded" message:
370HSSV-0773H
Mr. Bush was baffled, so he sent copies to his Chief of Staff, and several Secretaries, including Condi Rice and Donald Rumsfeld. Their assistants and aides had no clue as to the meaning or translation of the code, so it was sent to the Federal Bureau of Investigation, then to the CIA and also to NASA. With no clue to the translation, they eventually asked Israel's MOSAD for help.
Within a minute, MOSAD cabled the White House with this reply:
"Tell the President he is holding the message upside down."
Subject: Belated Holiday Greetings (we were waiting for the legal dept... )
Date: Wed, 4 Jan 2006 12:16:00 -0800
To one and all or none or some,
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all...
And a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2006, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee.
(By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.)
Have a great year!
BabyBushToys.com
Here's one that almost makes me feel sorry for old Bush. He could not find the exit stragety. Photos of the notorious locked door incident. Click the photo to see the whole sequence.
He Lies - lyrics about the liar: click here.
Bush falling screensaver
"The Power of Make Up" - click here
Subject: Ethical Dilemma
Date: Tue, 6 Sep 2005 14:55:51 -0700
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.
You are in Louisiana, New Orleans to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster.
The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.
Suddenly you see a man floundering in the water! He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is.
It's George W. Bush!
At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him under ... forever. You have two options--you can save the life of G. W. Bush or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful men.
So here's the question, and please give an honest answer:
Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?
index of Bush jokes at this site
