Adult victims of childhood abuse will understand their predicament sooner and more fully if they place an extended moratorium on forgiving the abuser(s). False or premature forgiveness will only weaken victims' boundaries, prevent them from telling their whole story, and thereby prevent healing. In fact, pretending to forgive only perpetuates the abuse cycle because it makes the victim deny what happened. Forgiving the abuser may be the last step in the process of healing; the first step is to contact the outrage arising from the abuse and other feelings that have been repressed. While these feelings are coming to the surface, it will be impossible to forgive the perpetrator(s) and those who acted as silent witnesses. For the children of Krishna, silent witnesses might include teachers, organization leaders, parents and other adults who failed to protect them.
One of the crimes of religious abuse is that the abusers make the victims feel that they are guilty in the eyes of God. They use guilt to drive a wedge between the soul and God. This is blatantly irreligious and evil, and people who perpetrate these crimes are killers of the soul. One symptom of guilt can be seen when devotees and children of devotees perform obsessive rituals out of fear of reprisal from angry and neurotic gods. For example, believing that accidentally letting a holy book touch the carpet will make God angry, and that touching the book to one's head then appeases God. Another example is being afraid to criticize a person, simply because they hold power in an organization.
With a qualified counselor, victims acknowledge the perpetrators' crimes and break free of the taboo of criticizing the perpetrator. Thus, before any forgiveness can take place, victims must feel that they are free from the perpetrators' curses, free from the conspirators' imposed silence, and safe from further persecution and bondage. They must be able to declare: I'm free of you for good, your bonds on me are broken.
Author and psychotherapist Alice Miller points out that counselors who try to prompt forgiveness too early in the healing process literally reabuse their client with sermons, lectures and theories. In the name of helping, well-wishing parties covertly defend the abusers by asking their victims to forgive and forget. Miller predicts that, "One day the effects of such opinions will be seen in all their destructiveness." (1993, p. 49) Rather than forgiveness, healing begins with an attitude of full disclosure and acknowledgement. In ISKCON, an end to denial would mean facing the awful truth instead of using denials like "it was their karma." Victims may find justice when they realize: "We'll never be free if we continue to forget, minimize or forgive the horrors and brutalities that we suffered in childhood." Unfortunately there is still pressure within the organization to deny and minimize what happened.
Miller explains that the people who favor quick forgiveness are usually the same people who took part in the crimes. For example, she points out, "The men and women who helped Hitler commit mass murder did not need psychiatric help. They adapted excellently to conditions under the Third Reich and later effortlessly made the transition to postwar life. They could easily forget . . . and they never for a moment thought that they had done something terrible by carrying out their 'duty.' Hitler and those like him were, indeed, proud of their ability to forget their traumas." (Miller, 1993, p. 39) It is through forgetfulness and denial that the dangerous opinions about child abuse are passed from generation to generation. If everyone falsely forgives everything, the perpetrators win. They remain in their respected positions of authority. The values they preach are the ones that will be accepted. It is a never ending cycle for those who choose to buy into it.
Paths of Forgiveness
For those who choose to place a moratorium on forgiving their abusers, there is still plenty of opportunity to practice forgiveness. They may start by acknowledging that the anger they carry around is directed at specific people from their childhood. They can consciously learn to prevent that internal rage from spilling out on animals, children, strangers, and other people in their lives like friends, neighbors and co-workers. Lovers and spouses are often the undeserved target for unresolved grief, due to child abuse.
Another person's behavior may be irritating, it may remind victims of the abuse they suffered and thereby trigger their anger, but these bystanders are innocent. It is especially unethical for a victim to passive-aggressively or purposely dump on an innocent bystander who was nowhere near ISKCON (or wherever the abuse took place). Developing compassion for people in general is a spiritual path to enlightenment. It's a universal religious ideal: "Do unto others as you would have others do unto you." In the Bhagavad-gita (12.13) Krishna says, "One who is not envious but who is a kind friend to all living entities . . . is very dear to Me." Forgiveness is also mentioned in Lord Jesus' prayer: "Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us." People who suffer from guilt and anger may learn how to resolve their inner turmoil by studying positive thinking books or other self-help programs, or they may choose to work in a group or therapeutic setting. One of the side-effects of childhood abuse is resentment toward authority figures and inability to make friends. These problems affect some of the gurukuka victims who lose jobs, wives and children, due to their inability to get along. Developing compassion and gentleness toward innocent people will prevent survivors from perpetrating abusive behavior on others. Thus they can stop the cycle where they have the power to stop it: within their own hearts and lives.
The Case of ISKCON
Although some ISKCON devotees and members of the second generation are working within the system to set things right, how can anything really change as long as abusers hold onto their official positions in the hierarchy? The duality creates chaos. Innocent people subconsciously have to take sides, and if they choose to ignore the allegations, they become codependent blind followers. ISKCON is starting to come to these conclusions as they ponder their embarrassing and grave situation. Widespread news coverage in October 1998 brought the problem out in the open. However, three decades of denial have created an unstable atmosphere in the institution. There are abusers and abused; those who witnessed, those who never saw. Those who are glad the abuse came out in the news; those who are resentful of these efforts.
An essential step in recovery is when victims realize who is really to blame for what happened to them. However, when perpetrators are honored as gurus, the issue of blame becomes blurred. Victims question their own self-worth with thoughts like, "If I was worthy, somebody would have protected me then and somebody would protect me now." Basically, ISKCON's victims have either walked away with whatever self-esteem they had left, or they are still trying to establish their innocence at the risk of being humiliated and abused again. What is ISKCON doing to its younger generation by stalling and minimizing? If the leaders of the organization think they deserve forgiveness without making amends, they are advised to wait patiently.
However devastating the problems seem--for the individuals who were abused, as well as for the organization--there is a chance for healing. If everyone involved in the abuse would voluntarily step down, confess what they did and make amends, then the organization could start on the path to healing. The new ISKCON could dedicate all its resources to helping the survivors get on their feet by paying for therapy, tuition, job training, and most important, child support for the third generation. By taking these steps right now, ISKCON could start making amends.
Resources
Index of all child abuse information available through
this site.
Betrayal
of Innocence: Incest and Its Devastation, by Susan Forward and Craig Buck. The
most useful book on childhood abuse.
Breaking Down the
Wall of Silence, by Alice Miller.
Thou Shalt Not
Be Aware, Society's Betrayal of the Child, by Alice Miller.
A Cult Survivor's Handbook, by Nori Muster (at this site).
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